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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Monsoondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sacred Sindy
    ASL Info:    30 female in Portland, Or
    Elite Ratio:    6.36 - 151/128/34
    Words: 61
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1266
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 406



    Description:
       mon·soon
    1. A wind system that influences large climatic regions and reverses direction seasonally.
    2.a. A wind from the southwest or south that brings heavy rainfall to southern Asia in the summer.
    b. The rain that accompanies this wind.


    in this poem i compare my lover to the monsoons. that is why it is under the love category.

    tell me what ya think please. grammar, punctuation, comments and critique.

    Art work done by: Ellen Wagener "Monsoon", 2004 pastel on paper


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMonsoondots
    -------------------------------------------


    The winds of your wisdom carried you into my mind.
    Monsoon;
    Whirlwind of thoughts,
    Storm of you.

    The winds of your wonder carried you into my heart.
    Monsoon;
    Waves of emotions,
    Stirred by you.

    The winds of your warmth carried you into my soul.
    Monsoon;
    Wasteland now fruitful,
    So full of you.





    Submitted on 2006-03-10 23:57:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi,

    Like the way you use your descriptions and giving credit where credit is due.

    Secondly, read some of your other work the "lightning one", loved it. This one is different all together, which I applause you. It is a good idea, like what you did with this poem as well except, for the repeats of "The winds of your" in each paragraph. But that is just me, but the write is still great.

    Kind regards
    Eric
    | Posted on 2007-02-24 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is endearing. I liked the content but felt the structure worked against you to a degree by limiting the rhythm of the poem.

    If it were my poem I'd play around with the format until I *felt* the words more. There's a resonance in poetry that brings words alive and allows them to touch the reader and I think experimentation within your structure or away from it might allow this to be more far reaching.

    DB
    | Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      This was well done. It was short but stil full of meaning it had a diffrent feel that made it fun to read. I like the comparison you could make with this it was intresting and unique which is always a good and important thing to see. it has a fun way of exspressing soemthing that is ussaly done in such a fluffy and tradintional way and you change it, making it intresting and not one of a million. Great work on this keep it up!
    | Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by all4u | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very interesting, I liked the comparison between your lover or rather the persona's lover with that of a monsoon. In general I like the idea and also the use of imagery along with your use choice of words. This was done very nicely especially for a short write. I felt you were very successful mainly because you had a very good choice of words.

    Now that I got that of the way on to the actually poem.

    st.1

    The winds of your wisdom carried you into my mind.
    Monsoon;
    Whirlwind of thoughts,
    Storm of you.

    In this you seem to speak about wisdom as a quality of you lover, which in turn is like saying your lover is an intellient being a, wealth of knowledge or somethign like that. It is how unclear if this knowledge or rather wisdom was gained through age or simple study. Its a bits unsure. It also seems to speak that you appreciate this knowledge and that it seems to be one of qualities that make you love him.

    st.2
    The winds of your wonder carried you into my heart.
    Monsoon;
    Waves of emotions,
    Stirred by you.

    In this stanza you seem to speak about how either his simple presence or just something about as this effect on you. I sort of inferred that from the first line. This also seems to speak about how he is able to really stir up your emotions. It is however on unclear what emotions specifically so it is left up to the reader to fill in the blanks. I believe you left that unclear intentionally as if to say like any other relationship there are the good moments and the bad moments. Moments when he evokes emotions of joy and happiness and moments when he evokes anger and frustration.

    st.3
    The winds of your warmth carried you into my soul.
    Monsoon;
    Wasteland now fruitful,
    So full of you.

    In this you seem to speak about how you lover as a more postive effect on you then a negative. You seem to express you inner desire and real and true appreciation of him.
    You seem to go as far as to say he as an impact up on your very soul. And also it seems to speak about how his influence as really impacted upon your life and as made changes, changes for the better it would seem.

    This was a very nice write and I really enjoyed reading it and commenting. Sorry if I got a little carried away back there but I got so into this write. I don't normally make comments so long and try to read into stuff too much. If one is not careful might be yourself trouble. I really do hope this is not teh case right here.

    Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day and God bless. Thanks so much for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. (See PM). Why not compare love to a Monsoon? It has all the elements. We react to its passing. It changes things. I think your first verse says it all. "Storm of you", I think we've all been there. The atmosphere is one of obsession, a total consumption of thought, pushing us in one direction, like a wind.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      this was always a favorite of mine. i really enjoyed this work. i wish that i can enjoy it again. great work.
    ~john-paul
    | Posted on 2006-06-04 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a pretty good poem. It talks of an intense emotion and effect. I like the idea of comparing this person and a monsoon. It is fairly original. My only problem is I dont think you speak enough about the rain. As a monsoon is indeed a wind system is also produces relentless rain. Your poem seems lacking in that symbolism. The second stanza would be a perfect place for the reference to the rain. I think the waves and the sea seem out of place here as a monsoon really isnt about the ocean. I would suggest "downpour of emotions" "saturated by you". Of course it is just my opinion. I think if you used "saturated by you" it would eliminate the repetition of that last line a bit. Overall a very good idea and well written. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I dont agree with Eric (aka Mr. Censore) the only way
    a person could progress at most things is to comments
    and to peoples opinion it allows them to think and see
    how could they progress or change the work!
    But what I do agree with is that this poem is about
    love!
    If a monsoon makes Africa beautiful (after) the storm
    is complete then the poem goes fine! whirlwind of
    thoughts = the first time impression thing your just
    questioning your self do I or dont I you think you do
    because his wisdom attracts you... but....

    the winds blow as they please comming in alll
    different directions making it good to compare you
    waves of emotions as a sea... because the waves of a
    sea like the winds blow as they please.. It is at this
    stage where he is really starting to attract you his
    wonder his charm is making your emotions go crazy

    Warmth he captured your heart now. the ice (or sheild)
    that was on it from your heart maybe past
    relationships just has melted by the warmth of his
    wonder. you were once a wasteland (pass relationships
    or maybe even just your life) invision a wasteland
    distruction confussion anything negative. BUt know that
    you are sure that its not infatuation you have no more
    thoughts. now that you know that your just not seeing as
    "man" see's your fruitful. To be fruitful is to be filled
    with plenty to be beautiful and rich.....

    After the monsoon hits Africa the end result is Beauty
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by KROCK | [ Reply to This ]
      I say "[censored] 'em" baby... Who the hell gives ppl the right to critique other ppls work. Art is art. Poetry is the essence of the soul, and you guys want to talk [censored] about poetry that you don't undestand??? How would you like it if you poured your heart and soul into words and ppl just said poor comments about ur hard ass work. Comment this: poetry is not to be judged, it's to be appreciated, no matter how unorthadox it seems...
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by In the Fire... | [ Reply to This ]
      I've read this one a several times over a couple of days trying to come up with a helpful comment. I'm afraid it's really not working all that well for me and I've had some difficulty pinning down the exact reason.

    The length doesn't bother me at all as it seems suitable. Your form is good; the repeitition is well done. There are no spelling gafs or typoes screaming at me.

    I think the problem is more one of a general message underlying the piece. The first two stanzas bring out the overpowering aspects of a monsoon, while the third brings out the beneficial side of the monsoon. That makes the piece a really good nature piece, as one of the other commenters brought up.

    On the other hand, I don't that works very well as a love poem. True love isn't an emotion that overpowers us or overwhelms us and then somehow backfills us with joy. It's really the other way around. True love begins as friendship or open honest respect and then slowly fills us with happiness. It's only after a long time of association and sharing that it becomes love. Emotions that overwhelm from the start are more akin to lust and infatuation, which aren't bad things in themselves, but they often can mislead people into thinking they've found something more important than it is.

    Getting back to your piece, I guess poetically it's sound. Still, I think the message behind it could use a little more work.

    All that being said, I really appreciate you sharing it.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm, this does seem short and rather too abrupt, although i like it very much. it reminds me of the calm before an actual storm or any metereological phenomena (disastrous or nurturing, monsoons are a bit of both i should think.) that involves such chaos and destruction, or rather; the eye of a hurricane, you think everything's all hunky-dorey and inevitably- all hell breaks lose... again.

    as for the degree of poeticality in this piece, i think its a rather watered down (pardon the pun) romantic romp, and would probably be more suited as a nature piece, yes.. in fact it is a wonderful naturalist piece, and one cant seem to get enough of it, as it is all around. you make allusions to a certain sentient entity that is your "lover", but there is just so much more depth to it than that.

    the repititions here arent overbearing and doesnt really jar the whole piece, but in order for it to be a really good example, it should have more repititions and variations, the sonics are quite solid on their own, strong and bright notes and would sound better with more notes, akin to the variety of nature and penultimately, the chaos.

    a fine write.

    peace.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I liked the idea of this poem. What made you write about the monsoons. I used to love them until last year, when there weren't any where I live. It was so sad. I love rain and wind, so I love this write. Some parts of the flow were really interesting and different, but other parts; i couldn't read all in one line, I liked the way every 2nd and 4th line ended with "You" and "Monsoon", but the rest of the flow; no!
    On the whole however, this write was original and interesting to read. You managed to convey your love for the rain very well indeed.

    Thanks for sharing this write with Elite Skills
    *Abbas*
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Storm of you

    If it's love, then chances are, it really is. Because you won't control it. And you won't even get inside the house because for some reason, getting inside the house doesn't make it a storm... it makes it a mere shower of noise... because you can't see it. You can't rationalize it and fail. You can't accept it. It's like he talks and you just hear him talking but you don't understand.

    So yes, it is a storm... with you being outside, seeing the lightning before the thunder, having the possibility of death sit beside you probably singing some love song you've never heard of and getting yourself wet.

    I like the tone of this piece. It's like trying to hyphenate the important details of the violent nature of love and then letting the details smudge those lines. I think this would work better being read out loud though.

    Yes.

    I know.

    My comments are this useless.

    But I usually back them up with smileys.



    And people just let me off the hook.
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I believe this is an adequate introduction to the subject of divine/secular love, but it doesn't compare with some of your other writes on the same theme (ie, "Ingrid"). The restrictive form you've chosen allows no room to explore/expand on the subject in an enlightening way (in a sense, you've traded form for content and sacrificed the latter). I believe there's a great deal more that can be said on the matter, and a revision would be in order. Let yourself go and write on. Take care of yourself. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I would like to thank you for sharing such a good short poem. It makes perfect sense with the way you compare your love to the monsoon. the way a monsoon hits and the way love hits are so alike, but I never noticed this until I read your poem. My only sugestion would be to keep going with this. It's great the way it is, but it has the base that could make a much longer write. Keep up the great work
    ~Rob~
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I don't necessarily agree with your two previous commentors. It is a particular challenge of poets to write a meaningful, emotion-filled poem with a minimum of words. I believe you have done so. Now, is it your best? I haven't read your other works, so I don't know. But I think you've done well with this one.

    The drylands of Africa long for the monsoons every year. They bring life and beauty to the land. I think we see that, by comparing your love to a monsoon, you are saying that he does the same thing for you.

    I have only one suggestion for you. The rhythm is off a bit in the last stanza with Wasteland now fruitful. Try switching your words and leaving out 'now' - Fruitful wasteland. Or try other words altogether (which I would suggest - drylands are not necessarily wastelands) - maybe wilderness tamed or something like that - I'm sure you can come up with something better.

    Anyway, I think you did a find job here. mae
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    94592

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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