A letter to my boyfriend by maybe

I cry. I cry because I love him, yet I hate him. I hate him for what he did, yet i will never stop loving him. How is it that someone who has hurt me so bad can burrow his way so deep into my heart that I will never forget him, nor stop loving him? How is it that I can so boldly proclaim that I am over him, yet as soon as I hear his name my heart jumps into my throat and butterflies fill my stomach just with the sheer hope that he has come back? How is it that I love you so much, yet I can't get him off of my mind? I want you to hold me, and tell me that even though I'm not over him you know that I love you and you'll stick with me. I need you to be here right now, but where are you? Oh, why I can't I just tell you how I feel? I want to tell you, I NEED to tell you, yet the words can't find their way out of my mouth. I try so hard to voice this yet I open my mouth to tell you and his face appears. And I stop because I am scared. Scared that you will leave me like he did, scared that you don't really like me and that you talk crap about me to your friends like he did. I know your not him and you never will be, but that doesn't erase this constant fear that I'm not good enough. You asure me that i am, yet I never see you on the weekends. Wait, this isn't about you. This is about him. How I know I'm not over him even though I want to be so bad. Please believe me. I really do want to get over him. I don't even understand why I can't get over him, why I like him so much. Why can't I get over him! He hurt me so bad yet I know that I'd forgive the jerk in an instant if he came back. So I'm praying so hard that he won't come back. Hoping with everything that I have manged to piece together after he left. Why does everyone have to hurt me? Why does everyone leave me shattered and torn and so hurt? Why am I so scared that you will be like him? Or like G.W.? Your not them! So far you haven't done anything that even resembles them. So why is that the way you hold my hand gives me flashbacks of being with him? Why do I keep remebering graduation even though I never wanted that night to happen? Why can't I just tell you what happened and why I'm always so distant? I don't understand why I feel this way, yet somehow I feel the need to tell you. I feel like I'm being unfair to you. I feel like, I don't even know what I feel like anymore. I've lost myself. I gave everything to him hoping he would return it. But he didn't. He took it, he threw it on the ground, he stomped on it, and he left me to try and pick up the pieces. But I couldn't. Then you came along, even though I once hurt you so bad, and you can't help me pick up the pieces because you don't even know that I'm broken. You sense it, but you can't tell for sure, and your hesitant to ask because you don't know what my reaction will be. I want to tell you not to be scared, to go ahead and ask, but then I risk loosing you when you find out the truth. The truth that I still think about him everyday, the truth that I don't know if I will ever be able to let you in. I don't want you to see me cry. Not because of another guy, not because I've felt lost since my parents split up. I don't want you to know those things! I've convinced everyone that I'm over all of that, I can't go back on that. If I tell you all of that then I have to think about it and relive it again I don't want to do that in front of you. Not yet. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I get over him and let you in? I hate this! I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm this way. Please, just forgive me, ask me, don't ask me, I don't know what I want you to do yet. Just please, do something...