Stolen Innocence by Heat

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Submission Name: Stolen Innocence dots

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Author:	Heat
ASL Info:	15/M/LA
Elite Ratio:	4.11 - 44/58/15
Words:	90

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	193
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	544

Description:
This poem was penned in January 2006, and it is my first poem in nearly two months to be released to the ES Community and it feels great for this poem to be released to the online public again.

Stolen Innocence dots

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You took her innocence.
How could you?
Were you messed up in the mind,
Cuz surely it wasn't an accident.
You've messed up her dreams,
Her hopes and her future.
She will wake up,
In the middle of nights,
Sweating and having nightmares,
Because of what you did.
You've bruised her,
Physically and on her life.
It is something she won't forget.
You did this by force.
How could you?
You took her innocence.

Submitted on 2006-03-11 13:18:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Heat,

The Youngsta has out did himself. This poem was touching and you can feel your anger and rage within it. It was as if you were about to pulverize this clown for taking her innocence away. I thought either you were describing a rape or a guy receiving a females virginity and then dumping her. You are a cool dude. Keep writing lil man! You really inspire me!
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by B-Gentle | [ Reply to This ]


It’s more or less clear to me that you’re describing rape and the consequences of this …

I do consider that some of your lines need tweaking for instance … I feel that line 3 sounds slightly odd … maybe you could find a better way to say what you have stated there.

Also, I think that you could replace “messed up” in line 6 by “muck up” so as to avoid repetition.

Additionally, line 12 needs – in my view – some revision as well for it sounds rather strained and purposeless … have a look at it.

Interesting piece but a complete overhaul is required.

Well … that’s all ….

Warm regards,

Ethan.
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really messed up situation. This is also a situation that seemed to happen to someone u know or a friend u know that did that to someone. Still outta words. That's messed up.

You were directly hitting the point. The "you took her innocence" altough didn't have any "!", it's almost as though i have seen an imaginary one. The "were u messed up in the mind" is very street like talk. This entire poem is very attackful and full of anger towards that person who did this to the girl. It's almost as though i can picture u using every last word of it to this guy and try to make him see that what he did was wrong although he doesn't think it is so.

I think this is a good restart for the ES. Hopefully, you will continue posting your work here. It really isn't easy for the girl to be like that. In this type of situation it is best to have someone who can help her out.

Anyhow, take care...
Irina
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]

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