Description: While driving to the laundry mat on a Sunday morning some years back - I noticed a rather unusual mist that seemed to be hanging in the trees. As the mist burned off, the sun peeked through the trees.
Kelly, I really enjoyed reading this. It has a beautiful rhythm and flow to the meter. That said, I wanted to slow these lines down to get the feel of the morning mist and the sun rising. That said, have you ever thought of joining lines to have couplets or AABB type rhyme scheme. I think your meter and flow will still be here but it will slow the read down.
The dancing mist that wanders by
Completely envelops each passerby
Through trees of green turned smokey gray
It swirls and coaxes the newborn day
In veils of silk that set the dew
A looking glass ocean that masks the blue
The air brings forth a feverish chill
It playfully teases the strongest of will
Longer lines let there reader pause and enjoy them instead of the eye jumping to the next line in its tracking. It will also give you a poem in sonnet form with 14 lines. Easily modified without really changing a thing. Just a thought. Thanks for recommending it.
This is one of the most outstanding poems in a long time hence. It flows well and is easy on the mind and speaks volumes to the one who can really appreciate it. The read remind me of Sci-fi material which I am facinated by because somewhere somehow it is not fantasy but reality. Nothing to erase nor change believe me true. Keep up this excelent work. regards Joachim
no offense, but this poem wasn't really that good. do a bit of looking aroud on ES and you'll notice how deep a writer can be. this poem kept reiterating the same point, but the fog isn't really anything new. it's been mentioned quite a few times already. try writing about something new, like... well, anything besides something so simple. hard to even pretend i like this one. peace out.
Well now this is really a preety poem and so well written. You painted the picture so well with your words and I found it very easy to read. The only suggestion I have is I might would have used a different closing line, like maybe: In a breathless moment the dawn comes through The birth of the morning and the new fallen dew. But that is just my opinion and I really like this the way it is too. I enjoyed the read... !doc'
This is one of the warmest writes I have ever lit upon here. Wording choice is very telling and incredibly sweet and I believe that this, meaning diction, is the strength of this piece. I enjoyed every stanza; each of them has got a sort of comforting and soothing quality which is just delightful. One of the things I relished the most was the simplicity of your lines. I do not particularly dig simplistic like poems because they tend to be dull and stir nothing on the reader's minds and heart but this was not the case. I do consider that the little punctuation that was shown denotes vagueness. At first I thought that commas could be more suitable but then I realized that was probably your intention to convey that feeling. This will not be forgotten easily and will go straight to my favs . Thanks for sharing it. Smiles, Ethan.
This paints a wonderful picture, which I really enjoyed reading, however the ...s become a little tedious and can be eliminated.
For example the very first stanza is one complete thought and should not be seperated by the ... in the middle. The ending line of the stanza can have this, I just found the repeated use of it to be a little damaging to the piece in it's entirety.
Taking that aside I really enjoyed it, as I said. Looking forward to more descriptive pieces like these ^_^
this is really nice. i remember once when i was in high school, my sophmore year maybe, i got up early one sunday morning in the spring, made coffee and took a book (i even remember the book - SHIP OF STRANGERS, a british sf novel) and blanket out into the back yard, and sipped coffee and read and watched the sun rise behind the clouds. everything was amazingly still, as if the sun was sneaking into the day. it was one of the most exceptiional experiences of my life, and reading SUNRISE brought it back to me. nice work :~)