Manuscript of Suicide by 2Numb

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Submission Name: Manuscript of Suicide dots

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Author:	2Numb
ASL Info:	18/F/Cali
Elite Ratio:	4.12 - 130/146/35
Words:	231

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	268
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1555

Description:
I really like this piece...i wrote it last night. enjoy.

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Manuscript of Suicide dots

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A shadow cast, overhead
Every step in darkness
What you've longed to see
Lingers just behind those eyes.

Lock the final door, inside you
Use your hands to see
Step into your porcelin coffin
As it soon will be.

Let it slip between your fingertips
The ones who longed to touch
Drag down through your palm
Feel your tendons push.

Push against the caresser
As it penitrates your soul

The memories flood you
Now pour out with grief
Soon you will feel nothing
Yet in your last momments, there is no release.

Your last thoughts cling to you
Holding you hostige
Sufficating you, with reluctance
Flailing to stay true.

It is the only one-
That will not fade
The only one who brings regret
To where the blade is placed.

Your hearts final memmory
Before it lets you part
Brings forth the face of a girl
The one you love so much...

Emotion trickles downward
As you snap back, but not soon enough
Now she will never know
Because i'ts too late to be saved.

Too late to unlock the doors
And let her love come fill.
Too Late to have told her-
She is why your heart beats still.

You grasp to hold on
But cannot fight the cold
Embrace the end now with ease
Swirling in your memmories' blood.

Submitted on 2006-03-11 15:58:12 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  "Let it slip between your fingertips
The ones who longed to touch
Drag down through your palm
Feel your tendons push."

what can i say about this words? well they are just great ... it reminded a lot of images in ,my life.. wel i miss you too honey... and i am glad you have been missing me cuz i thought you had forgotten me and you did not care about me .. and that put me down .. i am talking seriously i am not kidding .. this write ais a good write from you and well i hope we can chat as we used to
take care
and keep writing
and have a nice day
Victor
peace and love
| Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a really good piece, baby girl. It made me think of Cory...

Your last thoughts cling to you
Holding you hostige
Sufficating you, with reluctance
Flailing to stay true.

That's what I imagine my last thoughts would be if I slit my wrists or whatever I did to kill myself.

I liked it baby girl.

CAH
| Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by bloody_carebear | [ Reply to This ]
  My goodness, you have talent! I just felt a cold shiver run through me when I finished the last three stanzas. Usually, I dislike rhyme, but you do it so elegant, yet raw. Your words sounds so innocent (Emotion trickles downward
As you snap back, but not soon enough
Now she will never know
Because i'ts too late to be saved.

Too late to unlock the doors
And let her love come fill.
Too Late to have told her-
She is why your heart beats still.)
Not filled with a lot of angst, but short and to the point. The imagery is wonderful I totally picutered a dark room filled with online moonlight, as someone is trying to come it, the speaker is cutting him/herself.
I truly like this poem. In the lines, it reveals a darker, and more serious situation, suicide.
Pleace, keep writing.
Peace,
Minsu
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Lee Minsu | [ Reply to This ]
  "You grasp to hold on
But cannot fight the cold
Embrace the end now with ease
Swirling in your memmories' blood"

hey i love it .. one of your best works...
well ... bvut i still think in the middle we could get lost maybe if you create more details in the middle it would benefit the writing
take care!
and peace and love!
hope you keep writing and good bye..
ia m leaving ES ..
Victor
| Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  So sad...I know that situation in the poem all too well. The way you wrote brought the situation to life through desriptions like the lines:
Your last thoughts cling to you
Holding you hostige
Sufficating you, with reluctance
Flailing to stay true.

I love this poem, I have read it a few times now and I still can't get the image out of my head. It's sad but yet has something about it that makes me love it. A lot of other people could find some flaws in this poem that they don't like but to me it's perfect and nothing needs to be changed.

luckyms20
| Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by luckyms20 | [ Reply to This ]
  wow i see you have a train of comments to go with this one but not to surprising you are a really good writter if im correct this is about you and candi right? if so things will get better and like you have said before in some of your poems if she loves you then she will come back but that does not necisarily mean she dont love you if she dont come back maybe its just not ment to be you will find someone who will always come back and when that happens dont push them away but embrace them with just as much love as they do you well keep up the good work and cant wait to read more i really much enjoyed the poem
| Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by darkonesgirl | [ Reply to This ]
  Once again, different topic than the rest of your stuff. I really enjoyed how you used the I-cut-myself poem in such an artistic way. It's something you don't see a lot. The extended metaphor of the entire act with the emotional problems was a very nice touch. This is probably my favorite of yours I've read. Very good piece.
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by thor_s avatar | [ Reply to This ]
  It is well written, mostly, aside from the occassional typo or grammatical error:

"Push against the caresser
As it penitrates your soul"

Penetrates - maybe type your stuff up in word before posting it here, it tends to catch the little typos that you don't notice ^_^

I hope I got the story of this poem right because I can see how some can interpret it differently.

Someone that the reader (I suppose) loved has died, possibly by suicide, and now the reader is in the process of committing suicide.

I liked it, although it could be cleaned up a bit. I've just gone through my poetry unit in school and my teacher stresses that every poem can be cut down by about 10 - 25% to get rid of anything that isn't needed and I think that this could be done here... how? Well... we're not that far into the unit ^_^
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by The Seraphim | [ Reply to This ]
  Not too bad at all, I like the ongoing metaphor as the poem works itself out. It probably went about 2 or maybe 3 stanzas too long, you were losing the plot a bit as you talk about "her" it's a poem about you, leave that part for another piece.

well done. Not your run-of-the-mill suicide thing, and I quite liked it.

be happy

graeme
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  uhm aside from a few mistakes in spelling and grammar your poem wasn't to bad. However, in 2 stanzas your second and last line rhymed. (see/be and still/fill) because the rest of the stanzas had no rhyming scheme, those 2 stanzas threw me off alot. also, i think if you re read it a bit more you could keep that awesome idea...because the words in your poem are awesome. However, cleaning it up a bit with some editing would make it flow alot better. eg:

Emotion trickles downward
As you snap back, but not soon enough
Now she will never know
Because i'ts too late to be saved.

Emotion trickles downward and,
You snap back, but not soon enough
Now she will never know
Because it's too late to be saved.

Taking out little words like as, can help make a much better flow of words. Also, adding words on another line can help the flow.

Something else i noticed and didnt like was your use of pronouns. in your stanza aboce, you use she and you. you should stick to one because it is more correct and helps with the readers attention.

Emotion trickles downward and,
You snap back, but not soon enough
Now you will never know
Because it's too late to be saved. (or she, whichever your prefernace)
Sometimes, using she and you, can be done correctly as in a couple places in your poem.

Another tip i can give you for helping your use of punctuation is write the poem as you would a paragraph. Then fill in your commas where you would in a sentence. i would fix up your stanza like this:

Emotion trickles downward and,
You snap back, but not soon enough.
Now she will never know
Because it's too late to be saved.

I really really liked the poem , but sometimes little changes go a long, long way. I am really no good at spelling or grammar, but those are the things that i would clean up in my poem. i hope by giving you that example you can see that it can flow better then it already does. before:

Emotion trickles downward
As you snap back, but not soon enough
Now she will never know
Because i'ts too late to be saved.

after:
Emotion trickles downward and,
You snap back, but not soon enough.
Now she will never know
Because it's too late to be saved.
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by DanceADream | [ Reply to This ]

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