[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Cold Equationsdots

    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    58/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2779/1297/258
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1318
    Average Vote:    4.3333
    Bytes: 1384

       Watching couples disintegrate over the definition of success is never pretty. Make of it what you will.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Cold Equationsdots

    Hurry, make
    your millions.


    Make your millions,
    be my success.

    "I feel like a trained

    That's okay, baby.
    Make your millions,
    I promise
    I'll spend every
    penny; a house
    here, one on
    the coast,
    the cool breeze
    lapping at my ebony skin,
    date palms witness
    to a rapturous glow, a fine
    car draped in deep
    pools of paneled
    flesh, the same
    throaty snarl
    as lovers who've
    sated their requests:
    a prophetess, lotus-like,
    astride a pile of gold;
    summed in silk filigree
    fine furnishings, portraiture,
    a riot of lace, heaven's
    ostentatious embrace
    imbedded in four stout
    walls, on the hills
    of hallowed ground.

    And you, my millionaire
    genius may make
    the halls resound
    with elegant
    verse the gods
    of myth might
    bow to know:
    a poet's intellect.

    Make your millions,
    become king
    to my queen,
    to an empire,
    to a fond wish
    solid as a
    soul grown cold.

    "I love you."

    What did you say?

    "I know."

    Submitted on 2006-03-11 17:58:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I found your poem through a random search, and I'm glad I did.

    In fact, this theme has been on my mind these days, and the timing was perfect.

    As someone who lives in poverty (at least in the standard of our society), I have often dreamed of times more comfortable; of not having to worry about paying the rent or bills, of being able to go grocery shopping and just....go grocery shopping! This problem of mine has reached climatic proportions, and just when I thought I could stand it no longer, the universe saw fit to bring into my life someone who has lived just the life you described. Well close, anyway.

    I have been learning that all is not always well in paradise. I knew this before, but now it has become more personal. A career-driven life for a couple can be very cold and lonely. Or, as you described, where one person is very driven and the other does nothing. What a feeling of being used.

    My life may have been poor, and it may have been rough, but it was never that cold.

    I absolutely loved this. I loved the way you described the spoils of wealth; your lush descriptions seemed to personify THINGS, while also leaving something to be desired. I particularly loved the lines describing the car. Just reading them, I almost began to feel warm and fuzzy...almost, and then the paneled flesh comes crashing in.. I loved the residue of bitterness running through this piece. There was just enough to keep the feeling consistent throughout... just enough of tongue-in-cheek to remind the person that the intention is not to romanticize wealth.

    The last lines are great, for can one truly love and be loved in such circumstances? Chances are the one who is making the money is always going to doubt the loyalties of those who stay close to them. In the case of one who is using their creative talent as a source of income, this could be even worse, as poets are often passionate creatures. How bad would it be to have to describe love, trust, faith, and other such monumental themes having never felt them yourself?

    Overall a brilliant poem.


    | Posted on 2010-02-25 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I quite like this: theres only one thing I'm confused with- and that's who's doing the speaking at the end- If it's the same as the beginning, with the "lover" speaking in quotes and the narrator speaking without, then I must admit I'm lost as to the meaning, but If the narrator speaks the last lines in response then I'm with ya on this one... but It's a bit confusing- It could also be the narrator admonishing the lover, and the lover responding again with "i know, i know, make my, i mean, your, millions, yes, thank you, i'll get right to it..."

    naturally it begs to be read as a response the first time through, but I never read anything once, unless I find nothing of interest in it, and this has quite a few...

    You're very adept at creating lasting images that say a lot about the speaker- the combination of the elegant houses, amplifying the beauty of the narrator, the car a symbol of lust... sated by its prescence... Though perhaps my love of those lines is only because I'm presently without transportation... ho, hum...

    Anyways, I quite enjoyed it- Every detail, every image, turn of a phrase, rythm, rhyme, and reason fit perfectly.... this poem is an engine that purrs softly and more than slightly menacingly.

    Excellent title by the way... I had to read this because I know that title from a short story i read once,,, but that was about outer space, and stowaways, and the acceleration of ships as they enter the atmosphere of planets when they have an extra passenger on board...

    It's the same result, I suppose... one person ends up cold and adrift...

    Anyways, i like it. But that's stating the obvious.
    | Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel as if im an awkward man bargaining things to gain something, but what to gain? I cant pinpoint what is there to gain in this piece but it really makes sense after the "i love you". That magnified the meaning you tried to get across by an enormous account. Some sort of dark humor you've stitched into this piece. Good write, as always.
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by orderly conduct | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice! "What can money bring you? What do the numbers mean? Why do you need money anyway?" These seem to be the questions asked of the reader in this poem... :) It excels in its straight-forward nature... and its sharp wit. I didn't quite understand the meaning of the ending though... care to enlighten? :p Also, I'd think the title's better if it's Singular rather than plural (meaning: "The Cold Equation") Doesn't everything add up to one vital equation/question? My two cents! And definately a fav!
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
      As a broke but happy socialist a poem on materialist love that kills the soul would appeal to me every time even if it was not as brilliantly written as this one. The cataloguing is great and the end awesome.

    Make your millions,
    become king
    to my queen,
    to an empire,
    to a fond wish
    solid as a
    soul grown cold.

    "I love you."

    What did you say?

    "I know."

    Love it
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      First off what I love about this piece is the imagery and flow is has. The way you wrote this was brilliant, you did a very good job.

    Really appreciate the subject too and overall its a very unique and wonderful write. Keep up the good work and good day.
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      holy cow this was awsome. it so perfectly describes the problem today's instant gratification seeking young adults who think they can own the world a week out of college.

    i especially liked how you describe the riches they could accumulate. very nicely done
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by onepieces | [ Reply to This ]
      You have the Midas touch with words here Bill. The enigma is not solved either, because we both know there are only so many gears a poetic mind will move to get rich. You have subtle way of describing the cut that is above the rest, one of knowing enough is enough.

    I love being a poet, and the work that goes along with it,
    You are one of the best here and you keep getting better. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, brilliant work.

    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this was very well written. I really enjoyed to read through it (even though I'm more partial to dark allusions like Poe, Lovecraft etc.)

    Either way, I'll have to look at more of your pieces ^_^

    Only one thing that I found to suggest:

    "And you my millionaire
    genius may make
    the halls resound..."

    At the beginning I suggest implementing a comma:
    "And you, my millionare
    genius, may make
    the halls resound..."

    It just a little thing that I found that I wanted to point out, although I could be wrong (my ability to edit work is by no means exceptional)

    Great piece again!

    ~ Aj
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by The Seraphim | [ Reply to This ]
      So, I'm sitting here in my threadbare recliner, on my piecemill computer, wearing last years fashions, content knowing that I am still in love after 7 years of marriage to my middle-income sweetheart.

    I think sometimes we get so hung up in what we want to have that we overlook what we have and can enjoy now.

    Nice piece- has a fast forward, running feeling to it that gives a sense of pressure.

    I really liked it!

    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    This written by Chelebel
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Incubus written by monad
    Giving written by jjd
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To written by SavedDragon
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Push written by JanePlane
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]