Untitled by RyukiTZR

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Submission Name: Untitled dots

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Author:	RyukiTZR
ASL Info:	14/F/-
Elite Ratio:	3.94 - 133/130/44
Words:	80

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	270
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	558

Description:
...help...

Untitled dots

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Been gone way too long.
Looking for something long gone...

I'm miserable.

Once easily excited and elated me
Now no longer have the feel of writing to me for me...

As I can't go on.

The new days have past, everything's too vast.
Nothing within my grasp.

So empty on my own...

And now as I write, poorly and solely about me.
With nothing, and myself tightly bottled...

I write,

Something Untitled.

Submitted on 2006-03-11 20:55:52 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This is really an intriguing piece. I like how your last line contained the title, but it might be better if the title itself had its own line.
I write something...
Untitled.
I really did like the way it flowed. It really reaches out to me, and makes me want to comfort you. It tells me of boredom, of pain, of silence, and so much more. This little poem tells me so much of your situation, and I really hope to see more from you soon.
With Love,
Sara
| Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by saramaple | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah.. an intruiging piece. One that seems to run deep within you. Since you didn't specify the feedback you would like, I'll first give you my thoughts and then some writing advice.

Although you probably hate hearing this being said to you, nearly everyone does go through this phase at one time or another. You are lucky to have found a talent in you that helps relieve some, if not most, of the pain. The theme is wonderful and the ideas are extremely creative. I like the wording and the ending and the layout.

I am torn between regarding this as free verse or as rhyme. If it is free verse then I suggest you add more. If it is rhyme then I suggest you consider it free verse and write more. With poetry that is personal or hard to write about then free verse is always the best option. Rhyme restricts your words too much and when you post it readers tend to overlook everything until they see that the rhyme is syllable-perfect.

Hope I've been of some assistance.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this! I liked the way u set it up; that went really well with the poem, added a touch to it. I absolutely love the last two lines, great! the third stanza (if u will call it that) kind of confused n distracted me. Had to read it a couple of times, and i still dont fully get. But i'm a little slow tonite. Anyway it was really great!
| Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]
  that was really good it had a few rough spots but it all blended nicely. okay i know that sounded bad but i am not good at reviewing others work
i am not sure what it was about though.
Jo
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by heartless_ | [ Reply to This ]

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