Description: I tried to mess with the structure of the poem and visually accent the words to emphasize some words and to keep interest with the presentation. (saw another poet doing it so I thought I'd go wild with it on this poem) I have no idea how to italicize words or get them to change colors so this really doesn't look how it originally did but hopefully it has the same effect. I also tried a different rhyming style. hopefully if flows well.
Never Felt So Real -------------------------------------------
Blood never seems so real
Till I feel the seas of pain
That patters on to me like
The midnight rain
At times I feel as if
I’m
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
Once again
And my only wish is to
Be with you to the end
Your shadows lurks around
All the corners that I see
But all I find is desperation
Disguised as hope and peace
The further you go
S t r e t c h e s
My heart from me
Our fingers will only touch
At the end of eternity
I’ll stumble on this path
While tears blur my vision
My heart so controlled
By but one decision
Never felt so utterly
Alone
While I hold such deep incisions
My heart would be stony grey
If it weren’t dripping crimson
I never felt so real with my cold
Arms wrapped around me
Why? In the coldest of times!
I want to escape the irony
I can’t remember your warmth
Even with this dire need
Just to imagine a single
Touch
I could face reality
Brilliant write! I think its very unique how you did the falling and the s t r e t c h e s and the alone. I've never seen it. It was pretty cool. It really gave you a feel of it. This is a good piece, you are talented. I thought it had a very nice flow. Good job. inkpen
I'd be interested to see how this looked originally with the colors intermixed in with the actual text and formatting. With what formatting I can see here, I definitely like. It gives the poem a lot more warmth, and I could feel a larger reality to the whole piece. That's not exactly to see that I could feel my world drop out when I read the word "FALLING" but that it accomplished a point very similar to that.
I don't think that the attempted rhyme scheme worked quite right for you, though. It felt overly forced which was not the idea that I got that you were trying to accomplish. I felt that you were trying to get something light with a lot of emotion, and not something that comes across as forced. If you have time, I would suggest going back and experimenting with this piece so that there's the draft that you posted here and then an additional draft where if there's a rhyme scheme within the piece than it comes through as a lot more accidental and not as something that you were trying to work to achieve as you did in this version. If you want an example of the forced sentiment, you can look at something like "me/irony." Keep in mind as well, that an internal rhyme scheme sometimes does a better job of getting your attempted point across than having the end of line rhyme scheme. It's just food for thought, but that can oftentimes go a long way towards improving the piece.
All in all, I would say this seems to be a worthwhile expermint for you, and definitely what appears to be a well thought through idea. Keep at it!
Submission Name: Never Felt So Real
