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    dots Submission Name: Never Felt So Realdots

    Author: Indelible_ink
    ASL Info:    20/F/AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 143/109/25
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1024
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1221

       I tried to mess with the structure of the poem and visually accent the words to emphasize some words and to keep interest with the presentation. (saw another poet doing it so I thought I'd go wild with it on this poem) I have no idea how to italicize words or get them to change colors so this really doesn't look how it originally did but hopefully it has the same effect. I also tried a different rhyming style. hopefully if flows well.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNever Felt So Realdots

    Blood never seems so real
    Till I feel the seas of pain
    That patters on to me like
    The midnight rain
    At times I feel as if
    Once again
    And my only wish is to
    Be with you to the end

    Your shadows lurks around
    All the corners that I see
    But all I find is desperation
    Disguised as hope and peace
    The further you go
    S t r e t c h e s
    My heart from me
    Our fingers will only touch
    At the end of eternity

    Iíll stumble on this path
    While tears blur my vision
    My heart so controlled
    By but one decision
    Never felt so utterly


    While I hold such deep incisions
    My heart would be stony grey
    If it werenít dripping crimson

    I never felt so real with my cold
    Arms wrapped around me
    Why? In the coldest of times!
    I want to escape the irony
    I canít remember your warmth
    Even with this dire need
    Just to imagine a single
    I could face reality

    Submitted on 2006-03-11 22:26:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Brilliant write! I think its very unique how you did the falling and the s t r e t c h e s and the alone. I've never seen it. It was pretty cool. It really gave you a feel of it. This is a good piece, you are talented. I thought it had a very nice flow. Good job.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by inkpen | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd be interested to see how this looked originally with the colors intermixed in with the actual text and formatting. With what formatting I can see here, I definitely like. It gives the poem a lot more warmth, and I could feel a larger reality to the whole piece. That's not exactly to see that I could feel my world drop out when I read the word "FALLING" but that it accomplished a point very similar to that.

    I don't think that the attempted rhyme scheme worked quite right for you, though. It felt overly forced which was not the idea that I got that you were trying to accomplish. I felt that you were trying to get something light with a lot of emotion, and not something that comes across as forced. If you have time, I would suggest going back and experimenting with this piece so that there's the draft that you posted here and then an additional draft where if there's a rhyme scheme within the piece than it comes through as a lot more accidental and not as something that you were trying to work to achieve as you did in this version. If you want an example of the forced sentiment, you can look at something like "me/irony." Keep in mind as well, that an internal rhyme scheme sometimes does a better job of getting your attempted point across than having the end of line rhyme scheme. It's just food for thought, but that can oftentimes go a long way towards improving the piece.

    All in all, I would say this seems to be a worthwhile expermint for you, and definitely what appears to be a well thought through idea. Keep at it!

    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]

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