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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The way we weredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TD
    ASL Info:    34/f/Aust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 92/81/21
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 669
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 986



    Description:
       thoughts, interpreations and feedback welcome........ might try to add some more context/imagery ??


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe way we weredots
    -------------------------------------------


    The lies I told to thwart a war,
    the ills I ate to quell the roar,
    the mask I wore to veil the slur:
    A tribute to the way we were.
    Voiceless pains, strained by habit's games,
    bows and bends, pinned by amends.

    God knows where I've been, what I've seen:
    the sea of grief, a guilt unclean,
    where new dust collects on top of old,
    and a kindly touch, long grown cold.
    And when he died, I barely cried,
    Too well had I learnt to stem that tide.

    Oh, what is it that we must fear
    to make believe what should be sincere?
    Is it the reflection we might see,
    a truth too obscene, one we must flee?

    Still, sadly, I tell coveted lies
    and swallow the ills that I despise;
    A mask that slips to show a face,
    ugly and pocked from concealed disgrace:
    A tribute to the way we were,
    as new dust falls when it should stir.




    Submitted on 2006-03-12 09:52:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You once commented on a piece I wrote called "A Warrior's Thoughts" and you gave it pretty high praise and a fav listing. Well, if that warrior is a writer, this is his poetry.

    This piece is full of pain and sorrow, but it's a prideful pain and a masculine sorrow. Lines such as:
    And when he died, I barely cried,
    Too well had I learnt to stem that tide.

    and
    Oh, what is it that we must fear
    to make believe what should be sincere?

    Combine to create this sad ambiance of a masculine world where people feud out of habit and hide their feelings out of guilt.

    If I were to attempt a literal intepretation, I would say that you and a dominant male figure, probably your father, quarrelled a lot. Late in his life he became terminally ill and in the stress of the moment many of those old disputes were left unresolved. Now there's a lot of left over guilt and feelings that things should have been better.
    God knows where I've been, what I've seen:
    the sea of grief, a guilt unclean


    This is really neat piece. I'm glad you shared it.



    Steve

    (Now where is that Fav button?)

    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem was very dark, reminded me of some weird twisted goth-back 18th centurty peice... and I will have to chew on the meaning abit , may I say more. It almost seems like this poem is not exactly about the death of some one.. but the decay of passion and fondness of a person that happens over time. The mask that you speak of, seems to be a frozen face that wants to emulate the feelings of the past. Yeah, so my interpretation is that this poem speaks of decaying relationships.


    One thing I must note is that there are some uncomfortble areas that result from too many syllables in your lines. For example, the last line in the last stanza reads funny... perhaps you should take out one word. Here let me show you:


    Voiceless pains, strained by habit's games,
    bows and bends, pinned by amends


    I took out "mislaid". There was just too much going on in that last line.

    Even though I do not like rhyming peices, this one tasted good to me because it there seems to be alot of (strong) though negative emotions behind it. Most rhyming poetry on this site seems forced, but not this one.

    Have a nice day.
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by nikko | [ Reply to This ]
      That was really and truly beautiful. The image I got in itself obviously wasn't meant to be beautiful. I am talking about the deeper meaning. The image I saw was a friendship that was changing due to circumstances and you were unwilling to accept that because you liked things better the way they were before they moved away -or whatever it was that had changed your friendship. You told whatever lies you could and did whatever you could (whether to yourself or others) to pretend that the friendship was still the same... and now they're dead and everything is falling apart. All the lies you told and the masks wore completly fell apart leaving only the ugly truth which you are now forced to accept.
    I don't know did I get it? Was that the same general idea put in here? Or was i completly off?
    I really liked this poem. The 3rd stanza was my favorite. It seemed like it was there to make people realy think you know? i love it. i tend to do that in my poems. You can check them out if you want. I apologize for not having any real constructive criticism. It was a very nice piece.

    ~Doe
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by dead,yetalive | [ Reply to This ]
      TD,

    In answer to your question as to whether you should add more to the poem, I do not know that it really needs more. If you do decide to add on to the poem, be careful that it does not get too weighted down.

    As to my interpretations, the poem begins with "The lies I told to thwart a war" - a metaphore common to domestic disputes.

    Later, we read "And when he died, I barely cried,". With this, I get the impression of a father (or grandfather) rather than a partner.

    I hope this helps.

    -Frank
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
      This has a very heavy theme, sad really. It seems to tell of a bad relationship, ending when one dies, yet the other continues to hide from the "unclean guilt" and "obscene truth". The passage of time is cleverly presented as layering of dust, that I liked, well, I liked the entire poem, I just thought that was particularly intriguing. I also liked the relationship between the first and last stanzas, the references to "lies","ills", "mask", and "the way we were". I found the subject of the poem to be chilling, sad, almost scary, as though there were some underlying great sin, being covered over by "dust". It was as though the narrator would prefer to be out in the light of truth, but was afraid of the exposure. That, I thought was rather sad, when one cannot even cry or face the truth. Well, those were my impressions. Could I suggest anything to improve this, well, in S2 - L3 you're using "layers" as a verb, but the reader can't help but apply the noun usage, and it's not until well into the next line that this misread becomes apparent. So, (though I know why you want to use 'layers') either chage it to "lays down" or use another word entirely, say "piles up" or "collects". Tha's all I can offer. You mentioned in the intro about adding to this, and that may be a good idea. Maybe clarify just what is being hidden, while adding depth and a stronger emotional feel by the reader. Tear their hearts out!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


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