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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: When All Light Willl Perishdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Black-Wall
    ASL Info:    19 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.81 - 60/85/48
    Words: 362
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Angry
    Total Views: 283
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2224



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen All Light Willl Perishdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Devote children hear your own words! Empty forgotten and lacking truth, fear not for all will secure itself in the end.
    A hollow caress across your pale face, a brush of wind lifts the spirt high.
    As the embers race across the ice washed sky, the hand strikes down! An inferno burning for your dreams!
    Was it a sign of creation, ignition!
    A swith in place redirects the thoughts crossing over glazed eyes, a tear strikes down as he burns alive.
    Deprivation waxed in confliction, will the tides bend or break. Stay here until liberty!

    Bow down and mask your face, it will try to tear away your heart.
    Hear the screaming, into enightenment with the scars!
    As he toss and turns, inside he still burns!
    With vision of martyrdom and godliness.
    A white cloth wipes away the ashes and soon all will perish.

    Innocent lying witness, devout to the code of silence. Hold a hand to pale skin. Your flesh is dark with in.
    Peel back the blistering eyelids, look into pain. Can you hear his voice call out your name.
    Treason!
    Was everything that you said made of lies beautiful, standing ovation!
    Unclasp your hands and stand up, wipe the ash from your face and touch the scars.
    It was a sign of judgemet, liberty!

    Bow down and mask your face, it will try to tear away your heart.
    Hear the screaming, into enightenment with the scars!
    As he toss and turns, inside he still burns!
    With vision of martyrdom and godliness.
    A white cloth wipes away the ashes and soon all will perish.

    A love lost in absolution! Clouded denominiation!
    This crime was an inside job! Faith!
    This was a crime of reason! Built on pillars of treason!
    This ensures an extensive battle! The war rages on!

    Bow down and mask your face, it will try to tear away your heart.
    Hear the screaming, into enightenment with the scars!
    As he toss and turns, inside he still burns!
    With vision of martyrdom and godliness.
    A white cloth wipes away the ashes and soon all will perish.

    And all who seen will be there!




    Submitted on 2006-03-12 12:42:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I can only assume you're a death metal fan, since this is pretty much the stuff you'll find in any of those song lyrics. The exclamation points really just make the poem appear juvenile. Presumably they're in the spots that you want to emphasise, or scream or whatever, but they're not particularly convincing.

    If you want to improve this you really need to rid yourself of the same old tired metaphors that everyone uses. Embers, blisters, scars, burning, war... done to death.
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Fantastic Freya | [ Reply to This ]
      i didn't see the meaning in this one. it felt like an old senile man rambling on about how he loves elvis while drooling or something. i don't know. wish i had a better comment. the flow didn't seem to be there.
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by ghostknight | [ Reply to This ]
      The description was excellent. Vivid, interesting and seemed to keep me hooked.

    The repition was quite good. It helped to make the lines repeated stick in your mind. It also helped to emphersise them.

    Maybe on some lines you could have seperateed words out from the rest of the line. E.g.

    'This crime was an inside job!
    Faith!'

    This just helps to bring attention to the isolated word.

    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]



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