A Graceless Tale (revised)
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Description:
most of the credit do to this revision belongs to inspritit999...
so to him I give my thanks...
if not for his indepth comments...
i probably would never have caught those little parts that need tweaking...for you develop a blind spot when you stare at a work to long...
so to him I give my thanks...
if not for his indepth comments...
i probably would never have caught those little parts that need tweaking...for you develop a blind spot when you stare at a work to long...
A Graceless Tale (revised)
Oh, they called you Light Bringer, Hailed you their morning star, How foul those words must taste now, *Churn fervently, a sour mess in your throat* Damnable light bringer, Venus of unchained beauty, no more, Do you ever reminisce about those days? *When you heralded in the morning sun,* Or does your tongue twist bitterly, As you dwell upon what remains of your glory? They swallowed your fame away, Ripped your name from you like your beating heart from your ribs, And gave it to their savior, To leave with you, a graceless tale A fallen, wingless form *A mourning star of different meanings* Does it make you heave and retch? The day Lucifer became Satan. |
Submitted on 2006-03-12 17:22:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| I like this! An interesting glimpse of Christian mythology, succinctly brought to life by your well chosen words. You show great skill in presenting this tale. Some still debate if Lucifer and Satan are one and the same or two distinctly different creatures. Either way your poem is well crafted, interesting, and highly original. Great job. Phil | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] | Really like this. I don’t think it’s necessary to come out and name Satan. Anyone who knows the Biblical story would know, which is why I think you should delete the last 2 lines. I’d would change it as follows. And change the lines with asterisks to italics and structured it so it’s consistent. But this is your work – feel free to use ‘em or lose ‘em. Nice work here! | Oh, they called you Light Bringer, Hailed you [as] their morning star, How foul those words must taste now, Churn fervently, a sour mess in your throat – use Italics Damnable light bringer, Venus of unchained beauty no more, - drop comma Do you ever reminisce about those days? When you heralded in the morning sun, – use Italics Or does your tongue twist bitterly, As you dwell upon what remains of your glory? They swallowed your fame away, Ripped your beating heart from your ribs,- use Italics And gave it to their savior, To leave with you, a graceless tale A fallen, wingless form A mourning star of different meanings– use Italics Peace, Joe | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ] | great ending .. excellent wording ..i love it .. | so continue writing .and sooner or later you will be vbetter than your friend inspired999... lol.. so that is not the problem here.. i think we all want to write and learn how to do it .. tha is the point here... well take care! and check out my last writig please! peace and love! take care victor | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ] | Very gripping and stunning. This was even better then the last one. I love the way you write with such fierceness with each word. I love the way you used history and blended it into a tale of a being that went all wrong. As always, this was some great writing. I don't see any flaws right off. Great work. | Maggie | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ] | |
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