Description: I'm basically looking for constructive criticism. Do you see things I could have worded better? One thing in particular though. Line7- On a vision's meaning which is lost on the wind. It doesn't sound right to me. I was gonna use On a vision whose meaning is lost on the wind, but whose doesn't fit. Tell me what you think.
Taste Of Defeat -------------------------------------------
Souls corrupted by shattered illusions
Lust believed to be love in mad delusion
Strength is revealed in time of need
True nature shown not through word but deed
Light flashes as darkness descends
On what does the future suddenly depend?
On a vision's meaning which is lost in the wind
A mystical trance is brought on by despair
Instantly paralyzed by unparalleled fear
Trapped by a fate you seem unable to escape
A narrow path leads the way to redemption
An endless struggle through pain and madness
Where only the purest triumph
And the weak fall short
Forever wanting
Forever dreaming
Lost in bitter defeat.
Hey this was a really sweet poem you've got here. I loved the second line the most because it had so much truth in it that it made me want to laugh out loud for some reason. There's not a damn thing wrong with it. Please keep writing.
Titles are usually what draw people to the piece...this title...right now intrests me, but only because i know your work and i enjoy it...work on your titles. I disagree with Maggie. Yes this piece did fade in the ending...and in most cases that isn't a good thing...but in this case, the fading is great because the title is defeat. I would change it to "my defeat" or something like that. line 7- in the wind...not on the wind. sorry i didn't have more of "constructive criticism" for you. keep writting...please. xoxox, me
You started really well, with the imagery and the rhyme flowing smoothly... Then came your line 7, where the system was thrown out of the window... I'm thinking you might like to change line 7 and 8 to something like.. A vision's meaning lost in the wind A trance brought on despair (ok, maybe its not so great too :P) It's a nice poem in terms of the message and the impact... you might want to work on the rhyming and the flow, as Maggie suggested... The ending sounds good, just need to work on the parts between it and line 7. My two cents ;)
You started out really good and then faltered line 8 with the rhyme shceme you started throwing off the flow. I think instead of "on the wind" try "with the wind" or "amid the wind". I think the writing was good along with the imagery. Just correct the flow and rhyming issue. That's my honest opinion. I hoped this helped some. Keep up the good work.
Submission Name: Taste Of Defeat
