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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Symmetrydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jason The Basta
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 191/281/68
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 987
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1162



    Description:
       A repost that was requested for reasons unfathomable...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSymmetrydots
    -------------------------------------------


    We belong to each-other, surely you must see,
    See how there are no others so perfect as we;
    Two that should be as one.

    Faithfully, I have come here before you to plea,
    Plea that you would take me in your heart faithfully.
    Vow in beneath the sun.

    A bright lantern on a cold, starless night,
    A warming fire in a winter cave,
    A bandage wrapped tight on an open wound,
    A quiet inn on a desolate road.

    You’re the thing I can never say,
    The words the tongue can never reach.
    You’re the thought that has no language;
    That can be felt, never spoken.

    To you I would offer these seven keys
    For I would trust no other to guard them:
    Five are my senses, one is my soul, and
    The last is my life, which locks them as whole.

    Be mine now and forever, I beg you agree,
    Agree that we were truly both destined to be.
    My heart is overrun.

    We belong to each other, surely you must see,
    See how there are no others so perfect as we;
    Two that should be as one.




    Submitted on 2006-03-13 02:16:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      What a sweet poem. To be the lady on this end eh? I bet she doesn't realize what a great mate she could take on a date. I am such a rythmic soul. Ah, yes.
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm, a side of you I haven't seen. Though I get this and like it, I can't help but see something deeper in this. Is this a love poem or does it elude to something else. The title gives way to something more.
    The title says that she completes you or keeps you balanced. I can see a flicker of something else though.
    This line gives me wonder.

    You’re the thing I can never say,
    The words the tongue can never reach

    That gives me pause because it does not really give notice to a love. It does elude to a feeling of love.
    John I have come to like your writes and I always seek to find a hidden message in them. Maybe this time there isn't.
    You have yet again turned another page and I see another side of you in this write.
    Still I think of something deeper then what is written.

    Nicely done old friend

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      My lips are dry and cracked right now by the blistering winds of my windy city, but if they were not would kiss you. MMMWWWAAA! This is a lovely poem that would make any woman sick with love.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by dawnschild | [ Reply to This ]
      Jason-
    The reasons are not unfathomable. This is a touching love poem that manages to be descriptive and eloquent but not too mushy. Plus, its such a different sort of poem from you it makes me smile.

    You’re the thing I can never say,
    The words the tongue can never reach.
    You’re the thought that has no language;
    That can be felt, never spoken.

    This part, for me, summs it all up. its a good expression of the perfection of a relationship.

    Anyway, thanks for putting it back up. i'm very glad that you did so.
    SASHA LYNN
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      "A bright lantern on a cold, starless night,
    A warming fire in a winter cave,
    A bandage wrapped tight on an open wound,
    A quiet inn on a desolate road."

    You said every emotion in those four sentences. I really love that this poem could have been a letter to a loved one, or a proposal, the point is it is soo versatile. You had an odd sort of slant rhyme going for the first two stanzas and then changed. I do that a lot too. The only thing about using it in this poem is that it breaks the flow a little uneasily. Everything that I've learned in poetry, says not to repeat a rhyme scheme, unless you are using it in a repeating line or stanza. Just be careful about doing that. You want to keep the readers attention. Overall, I enjoyed this poem. It was a fun read and made me think.
    Best Luck!
    ~Clover
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful. I wish someone could have written a piece like that for me just to tell me that we are perfect for each other and everything else that you said. That was simply a wonderful wow- an amazing feeling coming from your writting. I have a smile now.

    I like these sentences the most:

    You’re the thought that has no language;
    That can be felt, never spoken.

    Nothing much more to say about it to state its flaws. I do not see any flaws in your work. well at least from my point of view. It's been a while since i've seen your work and it makes me happy to see a hopeful type of work being on this site.

    Anyhow, take care.....
    Irina.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      I must agree with Yara Lorinda.
    There is something that feels wrong when the poem is so inconsistant though much of the content are very good, these inconsistancies mess up the overall impression.

    I do like the poem tough, and I hope you 'clean it up' somehow.

    -tZar
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you should either decide to use rhyme or not to use rhyme. Some words look like they are only there to sound good and not to make actually sense.
    I like the title, I can really relate to this idea.
    The best thing about this poem are the first three lines, I really think you should have kept to this structure.
    However, it is a good effort, but on the other hand I haven't read the way it has been written before...
    w.a. AZ
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Yara Lorinda | [ Reply to This ]
      first of, the poem is completely consistant. It is symmetrically consistant. It is book ended, it has the rhyme where it needs it. the metrics of the three inner stanzas need a bit of cleaning up but that's an easy thing to so. Nice work Jason.
    I wonder, is there a way to make stanza five follow the line structure you set up in three with the same beginning words for each line?
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


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