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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: hidden liesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brokenbatman
    Elite Ratio:    2.99 - 475/233/44
    Words: 279
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 1680
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1546



    Description:
       just working some things out all help appreciated


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshidden liesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shaking uncontrollably, but trying to sit still. Mommy lying ina pool of my father's blood. Hysterical tears streaming down her face. "Why? Why? Not him not now!" her sobbs cannot hide her pain.
    The monster seems simpathetic to her. He offers a hand on the shoulder as if this would be enough to calm a wounded heart. In a gruff voice that echoed ageless wisdom he spoke kind words to my mother. "This man you cry for was terrible to many a people, mam. The killing I cannot take back but I can try to explain."
    The wrath of a thousand silent murderous wishes were projected from my mother's eyes onto this stranger. Her emotions in check she portrayed something different in her voice. The uncontrollable tears stopped flowing and as a true woman of the Nichol's clan she simply said "Explain yourself" as she wiped her quickly drying tears. The pain and hatred could not be hidden from her eyes but her voice did an amazing job of masking her ill feelings. "Tell me about this man I have been married to for ten years. Alot of his life is a mystery to me I have to admit. His work kept him away for so long."
    The stranger stood up and offered my mother a strong hand to help her stand.From the looks of him this well muscled man was not as smooth with his tongue as he had been with his gun. He seemed almost scared to face this woman in front of him. Like he was facing sure death instead of a mother who had just witnessed the death of her husband.





    Submitted on 2004-05-04 00:00:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I have to agree with Epiph. You have a few very strong lines that emanate power very well. You seem to be extremely articulate, however, there are several grammatical errors within the piece that detract from the overall presence. Easily corrected.
    ---
    "Tell me about this man I have been married to for ten years. Alot of his life is a mystery to me I have to admit. His work kept him away for so long."
    ---

    I would end this bit of speech with the very first line. Short and succinct makes it raw and abrupt bringing up the feeling that she has to curtail her words to hold her anger in check.

    The beginning sort of jumps into this scene and you are left wondering exactly whose point of view it is coming from. If its a child as the first two lines insinuate, it should be told from his/her perspective. Detail the surroundings or focal point. Perhaps the child is entranced by the gore of the dead body before it or the cold expression of the mother's face. Something to indicate who is telling the story.

    You begin to describe the 'stranger' but then don't quite complete it. I like that you've given him some context with his speech and accent. That will help to round him out. He definitely needs some more character development.

    I get the sense that this is a prologue of sorts to a story you are thinking about... maybe? It could potentially be a powerful piece if refined.

    Nit Crits:

    --"Mommy lying ina pool of my father's blood." - you use first person here but third everywhere else.

    --simpathetic -> sympathetic

    --"In a gruff voice that echoed ageless wisdom he spoke kind words to my mother." - comma after ageless

    --"Her emotions in check she portrayed something different in her voice." - comma after check

    --"The uncontrollable tears stopped flowing and as a true woman of the Nichol's clan she simply said" - comma after 'and', comma after 'clan'

    --"The pain and hatred could not be hidden from her eyes but her voice did an amazing job of masking her ill feelings." - you lose a sense of her coldness by using the word 'amazing' - perhaps something more clinical? expert? - or rather, describe how it sounds instead of what it does.

    --"The stranger stood up and offered my mother a strong hand to help her stand." - end sentence after 'strong hand' - I think its evident his intent, be a little subtle. You could add a line that describes the mother either accepting the hand or pushing it away. I have a feeling she would not accept the hand of the man who just murdered her husband very willingly. Describe more of the subtle body language between them.

    --"From the looks of him this well muscled man ..." - comma after 'him'

    --"He seemed almost scared..." - how did he seem scared? was he avoiding eye contact, did he take a step back, turn around so as not to face her? Describe, don't tell the reader, describe it to them.

    ------------

    I think you have an excellent beginning to what appears to be a well thought out story. I look forward to reading more of your work!

    -Syndl
    | Posted on 2004-06-23 00:00:00 | by Syndl | [ Reply to This ]
      im not sure about this... you have some awesome lines in it 'The wrath of a thousand silent murderous wishes were projected from my mother's eyes onto this stranger' this is a VERY powerful line! but ummm... i feel there is something missing from the over all feel of it though i am not sure what. sorry i cant be much help but if you change it or add to it let me know coz i would be interested in reading it.
    | Posted on 2004-05-04 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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