Description: I know this one isn't good, but hey, its better than not posting anything at all. Please tell me what you think. Compliments, criticims, comments???? Help on a name for this. I was sort of inspired by the thought of "why go chasing for love, when your soulmate is going to leave you anyway?"
Live a Lie; Love Still Dies -------------------------------------------
Why should we love someone
When eventually they'll die
Why should we keep living this life
Since everythings a lie
Whats the point of happiness
If its never really there
No one that seems to know your alive
Sick, lonely, or scared
Whats the meaning of suffering
If all you've ever felt is pain
Not knowing if things will get better
Driving yourself insane
And finally how can we live
If were stuck inside the dark
Trapped inside a hellish-hole
Unable to depart
It seems a bit contradictory. If that's what you're going for, then kudos. It's so hard to tell these days. If not, it's a bit contradictory. I mean... From one extreme to the other. What's the meaning of suffering? If all you've ever felt is pain? How would you know what better is? If you've never known it? Even misery finds a rythm, to the point where it's commonplace. Sort of a zen, it can't get any [censored]tier, so this is peace, kind of thing. I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass. It was simple, to the point, but kind of... labored? If that sounds wrong, tell me to blow it out of my ass. I'll have to read some of your other works.
Whats the meaning of suffering If all you've ever felt is pain Not knowing if things will get better Driving yourself insane
I liked it because of the question that you asked in it. What really is the meaning of suffering? Suffering is different for everyone and I also liked the fact that you said that, "...not knowing if things will get better Driving you insane..." Because it can literally drive people insane.
I also liked the part about asking how we can live if we are stuck in the dark. Often more times than not alot of us feel like we are trapt in the dark and can't seem to find the light. I like how you put that into you piece. All in all good write.
This wasn't bad. I enjoyed reading into all your thoughts on life and you actually convinced me about many things on life. The best one by far is the first stanza. The way you make love sound so useless and unimportant can be shocking to some people but also it points out a big truth. Why the hell do we love ppl, we're all gonna die, maybe its cause to numb everything inside, to forget about, i dunno, You really make the reader think with this poem and fill them with pessimism. Nice job wit that.
Paragraphs 1,2 & 4 all seemed to have good connection between lines 1,2 and 3,4.
I got stuck on paragraph 3, where it read more like a complete sentence "not knowing if things will get better driving yourself insane" It is almost like you are working on improving how insane you are. My impression is that you would want to connect how the pain and suffering is driving yourself insane.
Some alternative suggests to be consistent with other paragraphs.
Whats the meaning of suffering If all you've ever felt is pain Tearing away your senses Driving yourself insane
Whats the meaning of suffering If all you've ever felt is pain Ripping through your deep dark soul Driving yourself insane
Hmmm... this was pretty good. I like the rhymes that you used. And your flow was pretty good too.
Its true that we come into this world alone and we will leave this world alone. But without love and friends and all that. How would we be able to cope while we are here? I believe these things are here to help us enjoy our stay here until we are ready to leave.
I think what you are getting at is why are we here in this 'fake' world. Which I can relate to because i feel like that some times. Here lately a lot. Keep up the writing and don't be afraid to write about anything.
The rhyme and flow is beautiful honey, another great write. I like it, but it's sad to see that your out look on life is so dark, then again you make good point about pian and suffering in life, very true. I enjoyed it.
This is good, but focus more on what you feel and less on finding words that rhyme. Ignore what I'm saying just keep writing. I'm looking down at item 11, " What would you have done differently?". Hell if I'd have wriitten it, it wouldn't have been you. Please continue. "Practice makes"...us all.
This is not a very good piece at all. The message was broken and understudied. It makes no sense transitionally and is flawed throughout. I think if you havent yet taken a grade 9 creative writting course that you better because you have some ok ideas but for the most part its really quite self indulgent and not giving to the reader.
The first title that pops into my mind is, "Live a Lie; Love Still Dies." Your poem brings up a lot of good points but the one that stands out the most to me is: "Why should we love someone When eventually they'll die" Because it's pointing out that when somebody says that they'll love you forever or that they'll wait for you forever, it's technically a lie. Nice work!
interesting! I love the concept, and i do actually agree. I especially like this poem because it asks questions, but not ones that need to be answered because in the question it also states the answer--get it? kind of confusing i guess but hey I like confusing things. GREAT job.
Hi Alyssa how are you? This poem is good -not as you said- The idea is really good and the words were also good the only problem may be in the figures of speech. In "Since everythings a lie" This is a simile you would better mad it a personification like "Since everything is lie" or "Since everythings lie". any way it is very good.
wow that was ...good...man I liked this a lot. You bring a lot of truth and meaning to life and love and all those things. It's very true. You found yourself on my fav. list
From the title I think I expected a little more than what you delivered. When I looked at the title...I thought you were going to go through a brake up type thing...like the different ends to a relationship or something. After the first two lines I was really lost cause I couldn't figure out for awhile how everything was related. I thnk that what you got is a good base point...but...you could prolly work on it a bit if you want. But that's just my opinion.
this is really good!! expecially from a 14 yr old. i mean im 14 but hell!! this is really good!! i really liked it . it showes a good perspective. i liked it!! good write
You’ve come quite a ways from your old writings. Still I feel your points are too open and everything feels lack luster to your abilities. Your rhyming to me should be more a combination of words that “feel” together opposed to just “rhyme” together.
I’ve been questioning a lot of the same, as I’m in a very similar situation. Companionship seems to be cauterized in society as something that heals wounds and fills deep emanate voids. Isolation is the seatbelt that holds us back; a life partner is the airbag. One will slam right in our face to save us.
There's not much I can say that hasn't been said already. It is a good piece. One thing I would like to point out though is that I really dislike the "And finally" part. It makes it feel too stiff, like a business presentation. You may as well have said "In closing," or something of the like. If you merely want added syllables, there's a host of alternatives. "How can lovers love to live" is a suggestion, seems to flow to me. But it's just a suggestion. Overall, good write.
Submission Name: Live a Lie; Love Still Dies
