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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Long Lostdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lareth
    ASL Info:    23/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    5 - 103/139/48
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Misc/Alone
    Total Views: 946
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 382



    Description:
       I dont know how I came up with this, just words that I felt... I do that a lot, even though I havent posted anything recently. Tell me what you think... please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLong Lostdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A sparkle in the eye of a man
    Fallen to the shadow of a doubt
    Hope found in two best friends
    Doused by a single night

    Never again will the sun shine so
    Nor will the moon rise
    Run from it
    It will take your life

    Love once lived
    But since then died
    Now he will never be the same
    You killed it




    Submitted on 2006-03-13 19:53:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. Could you have worded this any better...I'd say not. This is the perfect interpretation of a lover scorned, how loved rose within, then was drained by the pain of deception, or cruelty, or mistruth....there was a wrong that couldn't be fixed and it reeks through the air leaving a scent of distillment. That's the feeling I get from this, and it's so deep, even with the minimal words you've used.

    Big poem, little explanation.

    I love it.

    Sorrel
    | Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
      Definitely needs punctuation.

    A sparkle in the eye of a man
    (trite, a sparlke in what ever is often overused, and it's not bad to use if it brings something new to the table.)
    Fallen to the shadow of a doubt
    (shadow of a doubt is cliché - and to be lead by a line that has often been used a million times before does not help.)
    Hope found in two best friends
    Doused by a single night
    (last two lines aren't bad - but they're definitely not great.)

    Never again will the sun shine so
    Nor will the moon rise
    Run from it
    It will take your life

    all of this is trite - cliché', again if you're going to use cliché' lines please do so and make it fresh and brand new.

    Love once lived
    But since then died
    (okay...so?)
    Now he will never be the same
    You killed it

    I'm left thinking so what, and what happened? Sorry dude if this offends you - but the over capitalization is just too archaic - and definitely needs to be redone. I don't know what I'd keep from this.
    You probably hate me now, but it's okay. You've got the power to now delete the comments that don't suit you.

    ~Ryan

    nice try though and keep trying.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by 27_deadpoets | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought it read well, which means I feel like I understood the message and the stream flowed through a true course. In the line
    "Love once lived
    But since then died"
    I thought it said denied at first and I like it better that way. I don't know what that means to you, to read my rotten suggestions but maybe it's something. Only consider ever revising if you feel that it wouldn't compromise the integrity of the work. Peace
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by dawnschild | [ Reply to This ]
      ah..the cliché "shadow of a doubt".
    this is a really angry piece in the end...but just the same i like it.
    the first stanza is what i loved, it is also what makes me feel the title is slightly off...though it is apropriate to what it is about..it could be...just, something more.
    i really liked this...all through it. my favorite lines were when you said:
    "Run from it
    It will take your life"
    that was my favorite part of the poem.
    i am going through something similar to this, though i handle it in a totally different way.
    good work. good advice. great writter.
    you said you hadn't posted in a while, i hope you will start posting again.
    xoxo
    me
    p.s. i would really apreciate it if you would come by and check out my posts. thank you.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by 2Numb | [ Reply to This ]
      I know you did not specifically ask for this kind of comment but it is just a thought so I think I am justified.
    I think I will tell you what a lot of people tell me, that is I think it needs some punctuation. That’s it.
    What I got from this was a work of three different thoughts.
    Stanza one:
    Two people are best friends but then one becomes two overly confident, or finds friendship in another person which conflicts with his current friend “A sparkle in the eye of a man”

    Stanza two:
    The break up is bad and now if feels like there is no hope or chance for new life.

    Stanza three:
    The one friend or lover or what ever wanted love from the relationship but the other denied it which changed his life forever.

    This is just my interpretation of it. I would be very interested in how close I am to what you were thinking, if at all.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by SonAsylum | [ Reply to This ]


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