Description: I dont know how I came up with this, just words that I felt... I do that a lot, even though I havent posted anything recently. Tell me what you think... please.
Long Lost -------------------------------------------
A sparkle in the eye of a man
Fallen to the shadow of a doubt
Hope found in two best friends
Doused by a single night
Never again will the sun shine so
Nor will the moon rise
Run from it
It will take your life
Love once lived
But since then died
Now he will never be the same
You killed it
Wow. Could you have worded this any better...I'd say not. This is the perfect interpretation of a lover scorned, how loved rose within, then was drained by the pain of deception, or cruelty, or mistruth....there was a wrong that couldn't be fixed and it reeks through the air leaving a scent of distillment. That's the feeling I get from this, and it's so deep, even with the minimal words you've used.
A sparkle in the eye of a man (trite, a sparlke in what ever is often overused, and it's not bad to use if it brings something new to the table.) Fallen to the shadow of a doubt (shadow of a doubt is cliché - and to be lead by a line that has often been used a million times before does not help.) Hope found in two best friends Doused by a single night (last two lines aren't bad - but they're definitely not great.)
Never again will the sun shine so Nor will the moon rise Run from it It will take your life
all of this is trite - cliché', again if you're going to use cliché' lines please do so and make it fresh and brand new.
Love once lived But since then died (okay...so?) Now he will never be the same You killed it
I'm left thinking so what, and what happened? Sorry dude if this offends you - but the over capitalization is just too archaic - and definitely needs to be redone. I don't know what I'd keep from this. You probably hate me now, but it's okay. You've got the power to now delete the comments that don't suit you.
I thought it read well, which means I feel like I understood the message and the stream flowed through a true course. In the line "Love once lived But since then died" I thought it said denied at first and I like it better that way. I don't know what that means to you, to read my rotten suggestions but maybe it's something. Only consider ever revising if you feel that it wouldn't compromise the integrity of the work. Peace
ah..the cliché "shadow of a doubt". this is a really angry piece in the end...but just the same i like it. the first stanza is what i loved, it is also what makes me feel the title is slightly off...though it is apropriate to what it is about..it could be...just, something more. i really liked this...all through it. my favorite lines were when you said: "Run from it It will take your life" that was my favorite part of the poem. i am going through something similar to this, though i handle it in a totally different way. good work. good advice. great writter. you said you hadn't posted in a while, i hope you will start posting again. xoxo me p.s. i would really apreciate it if you would come by and check out my posts. thank you.
I know you did not specifically ask for this kind of comment but it is just a thought so I think I am justified. I think I will tell you what a lot of people tell me, that is I think it needs some punctuation. That’s it. What I got from this was a work of three different thoughts. Stanza one: Two people are best friends but then one becomes two overly confident, or finds friendship in another person which conflicts with his current friend “A sparkle in the eye of a man”
Stanza two: The break up is bad and now if feels like there is no hope or chance for new life.
Stanza three: The one friend or lover or what ever wanted love from the relationship but the other denied it which changed his life forever.
This is just my interpretation of it. I would be very interested in how close I am to what you were thinking, if at all.
Submission Name: Long Lost
