Song of a Street Musician by clovernfoxglove

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Submission Name: Song of a Street Musician dots

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Author:	clovernfoxglove
Elite Ratio:	5.16 - 76/83/33
Words:	91

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	160
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	642

Description:
This is for the musicians in the world, on every street corner in every big city. Make the world smile with homegrown tunes.

Song of a Street Musician dots

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Empty eyed windows
blink in the morning sun.
Streetlights go off
and I am not alone.

Bustling city wakes up,
the cement monsters
jump
from footsteps.

I throw down my old tweed cap
drop a couple of pennies in,
and
touch my little silver lark.

I stroke the keys in
sweet
tender
embrace.
And the buisness man walks by,
another day.

I hold my notes close
and my staff
even closer.

No one sees anything
but
a another
Street Musician.

Submitted on 2006-03-14 15:41:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Haha. I don't think there's much else to say after all that. I think you've got a beautiful idea here. Flesh it out a little.
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by AtrophyEmpathos | [ Reply to This ]
  hmm, street musicians are wonderfully enigmatic. you never know if they're just trying to make it by off the kindness of strangers, or just love the art of performing music- change dropped on their plate may just be an occupational perk for all we know. this one seems more of the former than the latter, there never really is anything musical here, just plain struggle. only the scratching of a living off the streets.

does he sing? what is his instrument if any? is he a charlatan? good questions like these come into my head when i read it- but arent wholly there because of the poem (or maybe it is because of the poem, these are the thoughts that i would like to see conveyed more in this particular piece anyway). how does he feel about the mundanity of his life? are there skycrapers where he stands? if so tell us more about em... and so on, i can go on, this one is just too open ended.

you make references to a an entity called the business man; many undertones and connotations from that. rather clever i think. there are some parts here that make it sound romantic, but mostly its rambling on and the end does not have as much resonance as it should with semi-watered-down imagery. one piece of nitpicking that i'll allow us;

(a) Bustling city wakes up,..

with respect to you,

-pietro
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
  I love to walk down the street and just listen to the differnet songs you can hear. this was sweet and i loved:

I hold my notes close
and my staf
even closer.
No one sees anything
but
a another
Street Musician.

A few suggestions (That is my job, after all!) You seem to have a few words that are a bit over-used in my opinion. You use 'and' in a few places you could have left it out and 'sweet' is a bit bland and used twice, which i don't feel contributes to the feel.

Other than freshening up the language a bit, this is cute. very simple and spirited. a way to make us all stop and think next time we pass a street artist.
Thanks for sharing
SASHA LYNN
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece is very good. The emotion it conveys is very strong and potent, but it is also a bit spoonfed to the reader. Try to make to reader think a bit more. I know it's hard to do, as I have the same problem.
You have a few spelling mistakes:
Buisness=business
staf=staff.
It also seems as if you have forgotten a word in this line:

I put my old tweed cap
drop a...

Besides these few details, I think this is a very strong poem, and it makes me think about all the people we just walk past without really seeing them every single day.

Take Care,
-Natalia
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Natalia Petro | [ Reply to This ]
  The first feeling I take from this poem is that it's extremely prose-like, just because it tells the short story of a street player. I agree with the last comment that expansion on this idea would be brilliant...

The first reference I make is to Return of the Native, by Kevin Hardy. While it's not in any way about people that go unnoticed in life, it does make an effort to speak to the simple life, as its main character rejects riches for simplicity and his roots.

Your poem itself, I feel, utilizes an extremely good sense of imagery and diction to communicate a simple story with a simple plotline, and is overall highly enjoyable. While it's short and sweet, I think a longer and more developed poem could be great.

For example, you could add a little more detail in describing the setting, or a little more detail in describing the player himself. Maybe someone drops a coin in, or gives him a piteous look. I'm not really sure, but I think you could beef it up, as it were. More detail and more subtle thematic injection would make this absolutely amazing.
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Jakle1111 | [ Reply to This ]

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