Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: Flamequill
ASL Info:    17/Male/Sparta Michigan
Elite Ratio:    3.42 - 77 /97 /35
Words: 29
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1189
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 200


That's as far as I've gotten, help me out, is this even worth continuing?


Rain Rain
please pour down
fall from the sky
like the tears I cannot shed

Rain Rain
keep me warm
a cold embrace
maybe I'll freeze to death

Submitted on 2006-03-14 17:49:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  You know I have no idea how you could end this...

but maybe this will help

Here I am comparing each line of the stanzas so that you see the parallels
Rain Rain
Rain Rain

^these 2 are the same...

please pour down
keep me warm

^these are same (both commands)

fall from the sky -action

a cold embrace -description

I would change these.. maybe the second one could be

fall from the sky -action

Take me in arms - action

maybe I'll freeze to death
like the tears I cannot shed

I also think you should end last line with "and I wont freeze to death"

then you have
Rain Rain
please pour down
fall from the sky
like the tears I cannot shed

Rain Rain
keep me warm
take me in arms
so I dont freeze to death

All in all (no offense) I think that this is lacking substance and you COULD make it alot better..
| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by PoeticSoul666 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like nature poems - be "IT" the nature of man or just nature - rain is very cleansing and you have a decent start. I guess this piece is like mine you just read - sometimes though, as I said, when you post a spontaneous write you or someone usually ends up getting something out of "IT".
love,peace,joy&smilez 2 share
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  it's decent, keep up the work. thoguh in the future I advise you post whole pieces...still, good work, try and add more flavor to it, color and such, otherwise, it seems like it'll turn into another emo thing.

| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
  I think its pretty good so far. You should continue it. It'll get better once you spice it up with more. Good job.
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by inkpen | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?