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Rain


Author: Flamequill
ASL Info:    17/Male/Sparta Michigan
Elite Ratio:    3.42 - 77 /97 /35
Words: 29
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1189
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 200



Description:


That's as far as I've gotten, help me out, is this even worth continuing?


Rain



Rain Rain
please pour down
fall from the sky
like the tears I cannot shed

Rain Rain
keep me warm
a cold embrace
maybe I'll freeze to death




Submitted on 2006-03-14 17:49:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  You know I have no idea how you could end this...

but maybe this will help

Here I am comparing each line of the stanzas so that you see the parallels
Rain Rain
Rain Rain


^these 2 are the same...

please pour down
keep me warm

^these are same (both commands)

fall from the sky -action

a cold embrace -description

I would change these.. maybe the second one could be

fall from the sky -action

Take me in arms - action

maybe I'll freeze to death
like the tears I cannot shed

I also think you should end last line with "and I wont freeze to death"


then you have
Rain Rain
please pour down
fall from the sky
like the tears I cannot shed

Rain Rain
keep me warm
take me in arms
so I dont freeze to death


All in all (no offense) I think that this is lacking substance and you COULD make it alot better..
Amber
| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by PoeticSoul666 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like nature poems - be "IT" the nature of man or just nature - rain is very cleansing and you have a decent start. I guess this piece is like mine you just read - sometimes though, as I said, when you post a spontaneous write you or someone usually ends up getting something out of "IT".
love,peace,joy&smilez 2 share
tif
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  it's decent, keep up the work. thoguh in the future I advise you post whole pieces...still, good work, try and add more flavor to it, color and such, otherwise, it seems like it'll turn into another emo thing.

Storm
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
  I think its pretty good so far. You should continue it. It'll get better once you spice it up with more. Good job.
inkpen
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by inkpen | [ Reply to This ]


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