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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Torturing eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: patrick o_riley
    ASL Info:    16, male, ontario
    Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 70/91/25
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 820
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1028



    Description:
       From past to present and to the future i think this story rings true for someone i know It is not about me but about one of my friends, I did write it after my friend shared this with me. I thought it would help my friend to cope, i havn't givin it to my friend yet i need to know what you think befor i do annything.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTorturing eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Rolled up in a ball,
    thrown to the side.
    Forgotten in the hall,
    where memories reside.

    Her eyes burned mine,
    but now the pain is gone.
    For when I see her standing in line,
    I remember being played like a pawn.

    She thought I told her lies,
    so she gave me my just desert.
    But I wouldn't hurt those pain filed eyes,
    that create pain and hurt.

    I did love her long ago,
    but those feelings never last.
    That is why she lies in halls to show,
    my feelings from the past.

    You can see her now and then,
    but she’s never here for long.
    For she fears the pain that I did send,
    and how my eyes do kill till dawn.

    At the rising of the sun,
    My heart dose fill with hope.
    But when I see my eyes and what was done,
    that old pain come back to cope.

    This old cycle was built to last,
    pain and suffering knows not to pass.




    Submitted on 2006-03-14 18:00:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This was alright, not great, but pretty good. The only thing I see that really sticks out is the last two lines in the third stanza. Hmmmm...too much repetition maybe? Sounds to me like the two find a beauty in the pain of each others eyes for some odd reason. Ah, young love.
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a nice write. The rhyme is consistent and efficient. The last two lines, though, are my favourite in this particular poem. You have managed to craft a good writing based on pure emotion. However, the lines seem a bit forced at parts (nothing too grave). This is a very good piece. Kudos.
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by HansRik | [ Reply to This ]
      Let me start out by saying that I do like this piece. It definitely has a great flow to it. The only problem that I have with it is this particular part-
    She thought I told her lies,
    so she gave me my just dessert.
    But I wouldn't hurt those pain filled eyes,
    that create pain and hurt.
    The first to lines are fine, but the second two threw me off. I think you need to find a better way to word it. The way you have it now is confusing, at least to me. Other than that, I rhought it was a good read. Keep on writing.
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by lostpoet25 | [ Reply to This ]
      Psssst...Its PRETTY. I feel such a Fou Fou. But Seriously I love this, It had amazing flow. Damn I love you! I also loved the imagery my favourite part is ... "This old cycle was built to last,
    pain and suffering knows not to pass"...I can't wait to shadow you! Party...woot!
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by atonement | [ Reply to This ]


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