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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Melodious Failuredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HansRik
    ASL Info:    19/male/United Kingdom
    Elite Ratio:    5.93 - 78/55/9
    Words: 233
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 263
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1695



    Description:
       This work was an experimentation within the dark poetry context using complex vocabulary and abstract imagery. Various references to music exist as well. The rhyming scheme is: aabc, ddefc, gghc, etc to create an echo effect.

    Enjoy!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Melodious Failuredots
    -------------------------------------------


    The fire that devours its every obliteration
    Creating wasteful memories of a bygone abstraction
    In the pathetic diminuendo of this futility,
    Playing the horrid notes of this dissonance.

    A painful recollection of putrid sentiments,
    Burning from within, breaking into irrelevant fragments.
    Crows and frogs bawl this pain in unison,
    Portraying all the truths of this remembrance.

    The wanderers of this timeless world
    May also try, and fail, their love to hold
    Knowing not that all such attempts are vain,
    For love is the fire that consumes it all with its trance.

    The shadows of these erratic melodies,
    Will always crawl in their pitiable atrocities,
    And the echoes from within emptiness
    Laugh at the one who loved and lost his stance.

    This senseless pain consuming the skins
    Of treacherous mistakes and malapropisms
    That decay forever in the pointless senses.
    Such horrendous prevarications must not be glanced.

    The taste and smell of death
    Have filled the sterile, lifeless earth
    Where desolate silhouettes roam with no purpose.
    Inhospitable Loneliness is no longer subject to chance.

    Vultures eat the Lovers' carcasses,
    These foolish creatures that perfidy caresses.
    The deadly souls sing of their failures,
    Creating the eternal Largo of Romance.

    This sinful and spiteful malice
    Of a composition for these fetid lies.
    The harmony of the spheres plays in Sorrow,
    For this death shall not end, in its appalling silence.




    Submitted on 2006-03-14 18:23:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I will have to agree with everyone your writing is captivating. Your use of words are incredible. I had to keep the dictionary close at hand! You have so much potential going on in here, and there was definitly a message that was coming within me, and yes I suffer the same problem with writing to big for the masses, but you must never lower your standrads for others. Instead write both complicated things and simple things, because in the end there are all levels of society that will enjoy one or the other forms of your writing. It did lack a bit of emotion, but I am sure that with more review I would find the emotion. What emotion were you trying to protray? Complete emptiness? I personally was thinking of love, and how it is a silly conception made out of fragments of idealistic wants and desires, but then again that is the beauty of poems their messages are universal. All and all the poem was a work of art and should be treated as nothing less.

    ~ Keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2006-05-08 00:00:00 | by winterdove | [ Reply to This ]
      I tried using complex vocabulary in my writings and they turned out to be unbearable. I did enjoy the rhyming scheme. Since you had a format planned out, it would seem that the rhyming might be pushed a little but nothing like that occured in your words. The pattern moved smoothly across giving each phrase substance. The 7th stanza was my favorite because I felt it was the most simplestm stanza you had so far yet it was still powerful. One flaw was you didn't give much emotion. You have incredible description and imagery but no emotions. I got no feelings out of your piece. I could tell the theme is very dark but to me it needs more personaly feelings if you get that. Other then that take care.

    -Lado
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      This was awesome. I have always loved this style of poetry. The first stanza, I think, fits your goals best, but the whole thing is great on it's own merit. I have tried to write like this, and have succeeded in some cases, but most of the time mine comes too much from intuition to really control the wording. Even in the cases I have succeeded, they havn't had quite this effect. This is going in my favorites
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by thor_s avatar | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting indeed. Dark is the word, I like the various metaphors you use with the constant theme of the cacophany of a broken heart. No matter what sound it makes, it's still broken...

    Nice use of loose rhyme, exept for the "malice/lies" in the last stanza, I'd fix that to keep your consistency.

    Nice to read, and sounds good when read aloud rather softly.

    Great work, I liked it a lot.

    be happy

    graeme
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Mixed into this array of deeply complex words lies a very nice poem, only held captive by the words that seem to draw me away from the beauty.. Yes, I am educated enough to relate, but certanly the masses will be left with a dictionary and too much confusion to enjoy this to it's obvious potential. Personally I am a word junkie so this suits my passion well... I am looking forward to more of you...
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by manicsmuse | [ Reply to This ]
      interesting, i was however dissatisfied. not too say that it was bad by any means. but at the proclomation of complex vocabulary, i was hoping for a read in which i could not understand and actaully have to get a dictionary. I guess i just figured you'd by vastly superior in your education, considering i'm american(californian to be precise). anyways, fair experiment, and good poem in a general read. however (though obvious as to why) it lacks emotion and doesn't draw the reader in all too well. It's descriptive enough, and i appreciate the mature vocabulary, however i still feel you should intertwine it with your own persona, as to come from the heart
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]



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