Ode to Autumn by HansRik

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Submission Name: Ode to Autumn dots

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Author:	HansRik
ASL Info:	19/male/United Kingdom
Elite Ratio:	5.93 - 78/55/9
Words:	96

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nature
Total Views:	235
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	664

Description:
A basic monotone rhyme scheme with a quick, stark and conflicting ending was the idea behind the format of this poem.

Ode to Autumn dots

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The fresh autumnal breeze caress'th my cheek,
the joy this brings I can no longer seek
in Summer beauty or the Spring's "love" trick.

The cloudy sky does shine and makes birds sing,
my ears taste their sweetest romancing.
Forever will their composition ring.

The flowers sigh their natural perfumes,
and gently as ever they have stopped to bloom.
My nose, thus hopes, their last breaths to consume.

The leaves are bound to lose their green pigments,
and soon the flowers too, will lose their scent.
But lo! Nature's beauty will never end.

Submitted on 2006-03-14 19:29:47 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I really liked it overall, but may I suggest just a few changes?
The fresh autumn breeze caresseth my cheek,
the joy this brings I can no longer seek
in Summer beauty or the Spring's "love" trick.

The cloudy sky shines and makes birds sing,
my ears taste their sweetest romancing.
Forever will their composition ring.

The flowers sigh their natural perfumes,
and gently as ever they have stopped to bloom.
My nose, thus hopes, their last breaths to consume.

The leaves are bound to lose their green pigments,
and soon the flowers too, will lose their scent.
But lo! Nature's beauty will never end.

also, I just wanted to let you know how much I liked the first line of the third stanza, I thought it was brilliant, good write, I hope to see more by you!
| Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by brokenmuse | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a charming poem but it makes me think that you have been reading a lot of Elizabethan poets partially because for me the poem connotes ‘Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Day’
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
Nature will live on after us, albeit, Shakespeare was addressing a loved one and also of course celebrating his own gift. This seems more mournful as if the persona has lost his role in nature. Another reason that this connotes Elizabethan poetry is the archaic, choice of words ‘caress'th’ and ‘But lo’. I think ‘Emerging Soul’ may have a point here.
Take care
nessie
| Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
  It's a cool refreshing poem who gives the reader good imagery of the beauty and the gentleness of nature. My only grouse is on the second stanza. "The cloudy sky does shine..." wouldn't it sound much smoother with "The cloudy sky shines..."? Also, the rhyming for the next line, "my ears... sweetest romancing" also sounds a bit forced... Otherwise, its a great piece of work. :D
| Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting write.. I think 'Io" is really annoying me in the last line.. The flow and the wording is really nice, I like the combination of creating the image combined with emotions. sorry, but I can't find the right words to say..
I'm half asleep.

Darth Zeus
| Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
  This was indeed very good. I was impressed by the imagery and the stanzas of threes. Although, I noticed some rhyme completely and some stanzas did not...was that intentional? I loved the way you focus on at the details of the subject, such as the flowers, you appealed to most of my senses. Your flow was excellent and your wording was superb. Outside of the imcomplete rhyming, this was very good.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  this was very interesting.. and I liked it very much! Great write with so much expression in so little words.. bravo.. look forward to reading more of your work

** peace
Penny
| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by pennymarie | [ Reply to This ]
  Only two things bothered me about this...first was "caress'th"

CARESS'TH????? how about just "caresses"?

And "the cloudy sky does shine"... that just doesn't make sense unless you are TRYING to be writing things that are antonyms of each other...but if that were the case, you should have/would have done that in other lines, as well, so it doesn't fit that you should do so here.

Otherwise, no critique. There are a million ways to pay homage to nature, and each new form of that expression is just as lovely as the rest...
| Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a nice nature poem. I love autumn and poems about it. It is truly a wonderful season with all its unique and colorful qualities. I think you did a good job writing this. You included some good imagery and used your senses to help the reader relate to your words. The senses really allow the reader to understand the effect so much more. My favorite stanza is the final one. You sum up this poem nicely and the final line is just great. Good poem. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  This is real good
I to have an undying love affair with nature
If one would only open there eyes to her beauty one would feel much more relaxed and happy
By the way I understand what you were saying about a haiku
But I dont fully agree
Poetry is ones own way of expressing there emotions
When I write in a 5 7 5 beat measure That is a haiku at least to me
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  nice, i like the ending it isn't what was expected. you do make it flow so well, and the choice in words and format is suiting. Good job, i think i actaully fealt emotion in this one, at that, maybe that's why i like/appreciate it more than your other pieces. take care, be well.
| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
  "The fresh autumnal breeze caress'th my cheek,
the joy this bringeth I canst no longer seek
in Summer beauty or the Spring's "love" trick.

The cloudy sky doth shine and maketh birds sing,
my ears tasteth their sweetest romancing.
Forever will their composition ring...... "

Going archaic may require going the whole nine yards. Other wise 'caress'th' would stick out in such a fresh and enrgizing poem!

Hope that doesn't sound too forward.
| Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]

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