Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I cannot denydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maki
    ASL Info:    17/ female/ home
    Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 208/210/69
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 834
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 594



    Description:
       uhm, just came up with it. . .Bash the hell out of it. Attempted a Rhymescheme. . .yea its not super but. . .its a write neh?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI cannot denydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I cannot deny
    the fate we have
    from the words we lie.
    I only feel depression
    seeping through the light
    spilling words of confession
    from a guilty heart
    that is deaf to the sound
    of the hopeful Lark
    whom Dickinson described
    as hope with feathers
    in a cage circumscribed.

    I cannot deny
    the lonliness inside
    and though I want to die
    I have a sturdy crutch
    who will pick me up
    with thier soft touch
    and sing to me softely,
    secrets meant for only me.




    Submitted on 2006-03-14 19:56:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I would rather have discordant rime than to have rhyme as only a filler. To me your taste is good but I often times desire a one foot rime word to be followed by its like mate instead of followed by a triple footed one.
    Since the piece is about having guilt feeling about lying I think to reinforce that guilt I would have no rhyme since rhyme as evolved in today's writers means lightheartedness.
    The piece is good in flow and meaning, yet, I felt that a clown was hyperboling about lies as merely jokes.
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Well not the best write on ES. I think that if you used better and more descriptive words then only you could make this write up to its potential. The rhymes aren't the worst, but I am thinking that you could use the "better words" I mentioned earlier only if you ditched the rhyme scene of this poem.
    Oh, and I noted a spelling mistake in the last verse:

    "with thier soft touch" = "with their soft touch"

    Thanks for sharing,
    And I don't think that it deserves more bashing then what it has got,

    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    94975

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry