Description: uhm, just came up with it. . .Bash the hell out of it. Attempted a Rhymescheme. . .yea its not super but. . .its a write neh?
I cannot deny -------------------------------------------
I cannot deny
the fate we have
from the words we lie.
I only feel depression
seeping through the light
spilling words of confession
from a guilty heart
that is deaf to the sound
of the hopeful Lark
whom Dickinson described
as hope with feathers
in a cage circumscribed.
I cannot deny
the lonliness inside
and though I want to die
I have a sturdy crutch
who will pick me up
with thier soft touch
and sing to me softely,
secrets meant for only me.
I would rather have discordant rime than to have rhyme as only a filler. To me your taste is good but I often times desire a one foot rime word to be followed by its like mate instead of followed by a triple footed one. Since the piece is about having guilt feeling about lying I think to reinforce that guilt I would have no rhyme since rhyme as evolved in today's writers means lightheartedness. The piece is good in flow and meaning, yet, I felt that a clown was hyperboling about lies as merely jokes.
Well not the best write on ES. I think that if you used better and more descriptive words then only you could make this write up to its potential. The rhymes aren't the worst, but I am thinking that you could use the "better words" I mentioned earlier only if you ditched the rhyme scene of this poem. Oh, and I noted a spelling mistake in the last verse:
"with thier soft touch" = "with their soft touch"
Thanks for sharing, And I don't think that it deserves more bashing then what it has got,
Submission Name: I cannot deny
