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    dots Submission Name: I cannot denydots

    Author: Maki
    ASL Info:    17/ female/ home
    Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 208/210/69
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 860
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 594

       uhm, just came up with it. . .Bash the hell out of it. Attempted a Rhymescheme. . .yea its not super but. . .its a write neh?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI cannot denydots

    I cannot deny
    the fate we have
    from the words we lie.
    I only feel depression
    seeping through the light
    spilling words of confession
    from a guilty heart
    that is deaf to the sound
    of the hopeful Lark
    whom Dickinson described
    as hope with feathers
    in a cage circumscribed.

    I cannot deny
    the lonliness inside
    and though I want to die
    I have a sturdy crutch
    who will pick me up
    with thier soft touch
    and sing to me softely,
    secrets meant for only me.

    Submitted on 2006-03-14 19:56:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I would rather have discordant rime than to have rhyme as only a filler. To me your taste is good but I often times desire a one foot rime word to be followed by its like mate instead of followed by a triple footed one.
    Since the piece is about having guilt feeling about lying I think to reinforce that guilt I would have no rhyme since rhyme as evolved in today's writers means lightheartedness.
    The piece is good in flow and meaning, yet, I felt that a clown was hyperboling about lies as merely jokes.
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Well not the best write on ES. I think that if you used better and more descriptive words then only you could make this write up to its potential. The rhymes aren't the worst, but I am thinking that you could use the "better words" I mentioned earlier only if you ditched the rhyme scene of this poem.
    Oh, and I noted a spelling mistake in the last verse:

    "with thier soft touch" = "with their soft touch"

    Thanks for sharing,
    And I don't think that it deserves more bashing then what it has got,

    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]

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