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    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: School on Sunday (revised TCFS)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Abzy
    Elite Ratio:    7.6 - 65/62/20
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 241
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 876



    Description:
       That's right - no class.

    Thought'd redo this one properly, and throw in some even bigger words too, just because...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSchool on Sunday (revised TCFS)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Desperately aloof
    with stale pessimism;
    these emotional fluctuations
    wear me out.
    (sighs, perpetually)

    Call this emotional malnourishment

    Really, this is definitely not!
    (feigns anger, fist pounds table top)
    Me trying to be
    too cool for school
    this is just...

    Some sort of spiritual atrophy

    And if I had something to say
    I'd probably say it,
    but my words are mostly meaningless.
    (sobs, with bitter self flagellation)
    Others may content themselves
    with regurgitated lines of dialogue
    but my internal conversations
    make me nauseous enough.

    Or bulimia of the soul




    Submitted on 2006-03-15 01:22:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like the revision it really conveys a different feeling. In the first one I believed the character to be aloof and detached from the thought of school now I see a rebel angry at restrictions in age not being able to make choices and tired of speaking to deaf ears... Wonderful rewrite Bravo...

    Anthony
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
      Wonderful write, great vocabulary that captures the reader that much more... But I do agree with Abbas if you elaborated a little it could really take on more meaning... It seems with its simplicity that the reader themself needs to ealborate on their own experiences rather then yours... Still I think a great topic to write about... Looking forward to reading more from you...

    Anthony
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, just want to stay, "Stay in school, it's cool!" no. joking. but seriously... I don't think I even quoted that properly.

    I like the last line, but I would of made it 'bulimia of the school' just to make it kinda funny ...

    Relatable topic. Very straight forward.

    As said above, thanks for sharing - Always.
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by AnoBaby | [ Reply to This ]
      I was going to write something like this, but probably not good enough. In such few words, you managed to convey a lot of your emotions. I love the way you have ended it. Though I think that if you put in more words, you could make this an even better write. I love some of the words you have used. They make the poem a very powerful write.

    Thanks for sharing

    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      With a vocabulary like this, you probably are too cool for school! I love short poems that seem to erupt onto the page

    I like the revision! It has more emotion. I can visual the character more clearly now, and some of the lines read completely different now that you've expounded on the theme.

    Really enjoyed this piece, think I'll take this with me.

    Take Care!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]


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