Description: i wrote this when i was in an airplane on the way back to ohio from florida. it was dark out and i looked out the window and all the lights of the cities beneath me looked like gold,silver and bronze just shining away. ...so i wrote this. it could use some work..comments, opinions, and suggestions on whatever you think is needed.
possibly title suggestions...just didnt know what to call it!!
Above hectic existence,
civilization lies beneath us.
Riding the clouds
with only the winds
to carry us along.
We are weightless angels,
walking the thin line
between pure heavens
and corrupted earth.
Our star-lit gazes
devour the wonder
of our rock,
so lovingly embraced
by the silken darkness.
Glittering with our
silver and gold metropolis
Perfection, only at a distance.
The view from a plane at night is especially beautiful, and you definately get a different view of things, everything looks perfect. As for your title, I wouldn't change it a bit, I believe it's suitable and appropriate with the flow of this piece. I myself don't see anything you should change.
This gives me a sense of peace and calm. I enjoyed what you did with it and look forward to reading more from you. I've certainly seen my share of talented people on this site thus far, which leads me to believe that there are much more I haven't read yet!
Nice imagery, especially the second stanza. I like "silken darkness." Some of your line breaks don' treally make sense to me. I don't mind "soaring" being a line of its own. But I do not like "darkness" as its own line in the second stanza. One, becuase "by the silken" as a line does not make any sense and breaking the line there detracts from that wonderful image! And two, because at this point in the poem, darkness carries no weight.
Building off my last point, my favorite line is you last one "Perfection, only at a distance." I think you could run with this idea and create a great poem (maybe its an entirely different poem) and darkness could then take on some symbolic meaning as juxtaposed to light of citys and stars, etc.
Yeah, new title might be helpful. One that places the reader in a plane might work.
Hi, this is pretty good as is. I haven't ever flown at night before, but I have looked down on cities from the mountians. I agree that the view is pretty, but no comparison to the stars above that the golden lights desecrate. I don't know about the second line, It seems to end incompletely, but I think the extra sylible would set it off a bit. I think you might try switching the word "all" at the beginning line for the word "us" at the end. I realize that I'm not part of the majority here, and you are in perfect right to tell me to go to hell and take my oppinions with me, but there they are. I thought the title was quite effective. Also, quite appropriate, although I don't know if it was what I expected. But then again, I don't really knew what to expect. Salaam.