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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Angel Eye Viewdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vintagepepper
    ASL Info:    21/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    7.05 - 191/153/46
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 866
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 549



    Description:
       i wrote this when i was in an airplane on the way back to ohio from florida. it was dark out and i looked out the window and all the lights of the cities beneath me looked like gold,silver and bronze just shining away. ...so i wrote this. it could use some work..comments, opinions, and suggestions on whatever you think is needed.

    thanks!!

    possibly title suggestions...just didnt know what to call it!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAngel Eye Viewdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Above hectic existence,
    civilization lies beneath us.
    Riding the clouds
    with only the winds
    to carry us along.
    We are weightless angels,
    soaring,
    walking the thin line
    between pure heavens
    and corrupted earth.

    Our star-lit gazes
    devour the wonder
    of our rock,
    so lovingly embraced
    by the silken darkness.
    Glittering with our
    silver and gold metropolis
    of humanity.
    Perfection, only at a distance.





    Submitted on 2006-03-15 22:25:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The view from a plane at night is especially beautiful, and you definately get a different view of things, everything looks perfect. As for your title, I wouldn't change it a bit, I believe it's suitable and appropriate with the flow of this piece. I myself don't see anything you should change.

    This gives me a sense of peace and calm. I enjoyed what you did with it and look forward to reading more from you. I've certainly seen my share of talented people on this site thus far, which leads me to believe that there are much more I haven't read yet!

    Praying for a smile,

    Amy
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by 2ndChance | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice imagery, especially the second stanza. I like "silken darkness." Some of your line breaks don' treally make sense to me. I don't mind "soaring" being a line of its own. But I do not like "darkness" as its own line in the second stanza. One, becuase "by the silken" as a line does not make any sense and breaking the line there detracts from that wonderful image! And two, because at this point in the poem, darkness carries no weight.

    Building off my last point, my favorite line is you last one "Perfection, only at a distance." I think you could run with this idea and create a great poem (maybe its an entirely different poem) and darkness could then take on some symbolic meaning as juxtaposed to light of citys and stars, etc.

    Yeah, new title might be helpful. One that places the reader in a plane might work.

    Nice write!
    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by RodeoClown | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, this is pretty good as is. I haven't ever flown at night before, but I have looked down on cities from the mountians. I agree that the view is pretty, but no comparison to the stars above that the golden lights desecrate.
    I don't know about the second line, It seems to end incompletely, but I think the extra sylible would set it off a bit. I think you might try switching the word "all" at the beginning line for the word "us" at the end. I realize that I'm not part of the majority here, and you are in perfect right to tell me to go to hell and take my oppinions with me, but there they are.
    I thought the title was quite effective. Also, quite appropriate, although I don't know if it was what I expected. But then again, I don't really knew what to expect.
    Salaam.
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello every day poet. I like this too. I think the second stanza is in awfully good shape. Just the "trim the fat" comments that MmR talked about on the first stanza, and you should be good.

    Have a good one!
    Toby
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by afterglow | [ Reply to This ]
      you know, i can't believe i'm the first to comment on this... anytime i fly and gaze out the window, i see what you've just described...i think it's really nice.

    any suggestions i may be able to give..hmm.. ok lets see here...

    Above hectic existence,
    all civilization lies beneath us.
    <I would take out the 'us' at the end. it would give it a little better rhythem>

    Riding the clouds
    with only the winds
    to carry us.
    < I would add a word at the end, like To Carry Us Along>

    As far as the title, i like what you've picked actually...you're above the clouds looking down on earth, just as an angel would be...i wouldn't change that.
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]


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