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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Last Momentsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Trufflepiggy
    ASL Info:    20something/Fe/USA
    Elite Ratio:    6.11 - 63/47/14
    Words: 257
    Class/Type: Poetry/What you did
    Total Views: 178
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1441



    Description:
       The pen is MIGHTIER THAN THINE AXE, you flimsy, vocally-corrupt, shadow-skinned peon!!
    FEAR the poison-tipped Quill of Vengeance!
    *chucks it through the air at chu*
    Chocolate war indeed. Dodge THIS one, Crow!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLast Momentsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Those last few moments were, by far, the worst
    I took one last look at the lingering beams.
    Realized the rays were appearing in bursts
    My body laid spewing veins, ripped at the seams.

    Choking on spittle, I vomited through
    The whites of the linens my mother had laundered.
    Brother had left her; now I'd leave her, too;
    This is the price I would pay for my wander

    Tensing my muscles, I struggled to move
    What evil had scored my front fled for my spine.
    Spastically squirming, I peered at my wound
    I saw the blade sink in a gory red shine.

    Bleating in terror, I clung to the Earth;
    O Mama, come SAVE me, my heart has stopped trying.
    Reeling with torment, the last thing I heard
    Consisted of sirens, the red lights came flying.

    Blurry and dismal, I saw them approaching
    My mother was with them, she sank at my side.
    Bitter, consuming, the death was encroaching;
    The black birds came soaring to where I would die.

    Those last few moments were, by far, the worst
    I took on last look at myself as I smoldered.
    That's when I saw him, the man with the axe;
    He slipped into mist, with a crow on his shoulder.

    *end*













    Submitted on 2006-03-16 08:10:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      dude. holy burn. o.o That was just wrong. T.T I'd never want you to die. But wonderfully written!! I shall come back with another! (Though I must say, you didn't put up much of a fight. o.O)
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by Crow | [ Reply to This ]
      Seemed like a description of how the person ended up dying here is missing.

    I saw the blade sink in a red gory shine
    -blade of an axe? You mentioned the man with the axe- but is he a symbol or a murderer.

    3rd last line- typo: on should be one.

    This poem is a bit confusing. It feels jumbled.
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
      I would be much better and easier to picture if you had said "Veins spewing" rather than "spewing veins", the body spews blood, pus, fluid, urine, and feces, not veins. Also make sure you reread carefully because spell check doesn't catch every thing, ergo.."I took on last look". Other than that the detail was pretty "crude" in good sense, and I could almost feel a tiny bit of terror and anguish. Not a poem I would typically like, but one I could admire. Very interesting perception of murder, I enjoyed seeing it through the eyes of the victim.
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by Alice Oakdale | [ Reply to This ]



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