Fires of Sorrow by Inducted

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Submission Name: Fires of Sorrow dots

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Author:	Inducted_Kitty
Elite Ratio:	4.3 - 307/422/109
Words:	213

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	222
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1192

Description:

Fires of Sorrow dots

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The fire of sorrow was burning in me
My soul was completely consumed
No fight did you leave me, nor any free will
My life was so suddenly doomed...

I beg you to give me some kind of release
To take mercy on my broken heart
But, you've travelled a road that my eyes cannot see
To a place you could make a new start.

So, I wait for you still, my love lingering on
And my breath getting shorter each day
For just one more kiss, I would give up my life -
let my punishment be what it may...

If you could look back, and see what you have done
The destruction you left far behind
If you could be me, for a moment in time
Raw emotion and pain would you find.

This spiral of pain, so intensely binds me
To a cross I can no longer bear
For the love of my life, which was taken from me
A love that was pure and so rare.

Please, show me the secrets of death and release
Let me share your new world now with you
I will walk with you into the darkness, my love
To be near you, its what I must do...

Submitted on 2006-03-16 13:26:09 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||


OK! You have a good ear for sonics.
I'd ask you to read it aloud. Much of it words well in recitation. You will note, however, that sudden alterations in the syllabic meter can trip a new reader (perhaps not yourself).

If you give this poem to a buddy to read aloud,
can he/she do it without stumbling?

If you can retouch the poem to read aloud better, then for certain, it will be improved.

Take your first strophe as an example, a pattern.
Try to make the following strophes match its cadence exactly.

Always work to avoid inverting syntax:
"No fight did you leave me,"
(offhand, I have no suggested fix for that stilt; it is a trap of rhyming poetry, and one reason why free verse will greatly broaden your potentials)

Nice to meet your poetry. I hope this was of some minor help.

Reid
| Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by Reid Welch | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting. This opened with the 'tear on my cheek' sort of sadness I've seen in a thousand other writes, then took an atypically sinister turn akin to a suicide note at the end. Strangely enough, most of the language was not particularly original and the rhyme scheme was claustrophobically tight, but the last stanza was like being knifed in the gut (for lack of a better metaphor). Poe's "Annabel Lee" comes to mind when I consider the impact of the closing lines. Take care of yourself. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  first of all, let me say i love the title. very catchy.
secondly, let me say that though most of this wasn't very original, it was very emotional, and written well.
It reminds me of a friend of mine that right now is going through something of the same sorts. she didn't die, she just said she was gonna go visit her mom and never returned. maybe that's why i feel compassion for this piece.
anyway, nice job, but with a little more originality this could be great.
| Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]

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