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    dots Submission Name: ovejadots

    Author: Rhaine
    ASL Info:    25/Yes/An Alley
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 660/744/196
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Poetry/Me
    Total Views: 792
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1010


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    Little ash girl
    All lost in a twirl
    Gases and rain falling on her
    Crying out scared
    But not knowing why
    Seeing herself withered
    She is the daughter of death
    Eyes bleeding black
    And skin the color of me
    Iím hiding behind her
    I hope she doesnít see me
    She wins my blood
    And I know she can taste it
    Steel tongue burning cold fire
    She smells her desire
    Iím breathing and breathing
    Walking along
    This dark dingy place
    While she stands but not really
    Like she is floating
    Pain leaking out
    And leading a trail
    Me with myself
    Thinking of a plan
    And I reach into my pocket
    And what do I find?
    Maybe its lighter, maybe she canít burn
    Little lost sheep
    Iíll toss into a heap
    But she might bite me back
    So what am I to do?

    And here I am, a soul
    Afraid of what was once me

    Submitted on 2006-03-17 15:08:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece is absolutely awesome. I think the descriptions you used caused such great imagery i couldn't help but REALLY really like it. It was raw down to the nitty gritty truth, thats how i read it at least. Made me think of a lost little girl which is sad, but when your able to put so much emotion into a piece it does a good job at grabbing and jerking the reader around. Nicely written. amber
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by amber_in_wyomin | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked the raw emotion of this piece. It makes me want to read everything that you have written. It makes me curious as to why you wrote it also... I especially liked the second line, "Lost in a twirl." It's rather beautiful. I think this is a very moving piece!
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by melancholymaid | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooooo...sounds like someone who watches the person they dont want to be take over their thoughts and is wondering how to destroy them with the guilty feeling of having to stab them through the heart from the back.

    Your write blends together quite well, but to me it would just seem to have more of an impact to the reader if it was broken into stanzas. Distribute the thought, ya know?
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this a lot Rhaine. It was really deep, watching the person that you once were, a lost sheep, one you want to dispose of but at the same time are afraid of disposing of? This was really good. I haven't read anything of yours for a long time. Good job.
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by Cai | [ Reply to This ]

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