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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dying of a Dovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Departed One
    ASL Info:    17
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 678/290/48
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 1760
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 508



    Description:
       Hmmm... I love to take mundane experiences of life and look at them from a symbolic or a meaningful view. This is one such case. Hope you enjoy and I would love to hear your take on it.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDying of a Dovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I happened upon a dove one day;

    The poor creature lay dying.

    A tattered, featherless wing, proved to be its undoing.

    It bled tremendously, look terribly weak

    And dare I say, dead.

    I could do nothing to help, for it was far too late

    So I turned my head away from the once angelic

    creature, closed my eyes

    Then opened them

    Took a deep breath and walked away.





    Submitted on 2006-03-17 21:09:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Jason
    Thos one I really like
    I can tell from your writings and your comments that you have a huge heart and I know if you felt there was anything you could do to help this Dove you would have
    This write actually has a deeper meaning to me
    A dove usually symbolizes peace
    I believe you were referring to one reaching out with a peace branch only to have it break before the good will was done
    Excellent Job Jason
    As I always I really love reading your poetry
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      (I h)appened upon a dove one day;

    The poor creature (lay) dying.

    A tattered, featherless wing, (proved) to be its undoing.

    (It b)led tremendously, look(ed) terribly weak

    And dare I say, dead.

    (I c)ould do nothing to help, it was far too late

    So I turned away from the once (a)ngelic

    ©reature, closed my eyes

    (T)hen open(ed) them

    Took a deep breath and walked away.


    I thought I might begin with a few suggested revisions to facilitate the rhythm of your post and standardize some of the verb tenses. Other than the minor changes in parentheses, I see nothing terribly wrong with the structure of the write (which seems a bit more sophisticated than the subject matter would warrant). Since you mentioned ideosymbolism in your description, I'm led to believe you've written this as an eyewitness account of the 'death' of world peace (in Iraq, Afghanistan, China, fill in the blank). Or maybe dead birds have a peculiar effect on you.

    In any case, this write has an intriguing theme that could stand a little expansion. Let me know if you decide to revise and repost.

    Take care of yourself.
    Bill.

    | Posted on 2006-05-22 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      At this point, I've gotten a bit more of a grasp on your poetry (no, I haven't read everything, but everything I've read points me in the same direction, which is abot 75% of your work, in any case). There's a need for a picture, which serves almost as much the author's inspiration as it does the reader's guide map to the lines. I'll not deny that it adds an additional layer or realism on the reader's experience.

    What I will tell you, however, is that we differ violently in styles; I'm a bit of a devotee to abstract, heavy-laden syllables and making every word worth its weight on the paper. Good work on winning the prize for the poem on your grandfather's death, but I'll take the liberty of using that work as an example of our difference. The poem itself was true, convincing, painful, to say the least. But reading it, it felt like a black-and-white 70's film flickering across the movie screen: distant, removed, impeded. There's a barrier that locked the emotions out of my grasp, somehow, and it didn't feel real to me. The emotion hid daintily behind glass walls, and I saw the work, but didn't feel what you were aiming for. So although at least a committee of poets found your poem praiseworthy, I wondered if the poem was supposed to be more, for some reason.

    On these grounds my advice to you is limited in its use, at best. For this poem, the spartanism seems even more extreme than the last few, and all I can add to it, really, is that you get a picture--the others who commented so positively on your work would appreciate your artistic touch. You appear to, in most cases, put a bit of thought into the image before you, then "chance" upon a realization in the end, resembling a sonnet of sorts, in true Italian form, with a quick twist and conclusion near the end. Experiment, I guess; it really sounds to me that your depth goes further than "I saw it, this is what I *gasp* think about it" abbreviations. Your heart feels far more than the words you put up for the world to see. And I may be but one person, but I'm more interested in your heart, instead of something you think the world will understand.

    The Palatine Poet,
    Eternity's Lyre
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
      Thoughts? That once something is past that point of no return, what can we do but accept the inevitable? This piece makes me relate in a big way-- after working with animals for a few years I saw a lot being put down due to sickness or old age. I saw a lot being born or making it through as well, but that's the beauty of life... which is sacred... yet... mundane too in the grand scheme of things.

    This reminds me of that film'American Beauty' focusing on the dove and the plastic bag... you know the scenes I'm talking about? Yea. That.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      I sort of feel this is talking about how people sometimes see someone who's in need.. maybe like a homeless person.. and stop, for second, feeling their pain and sadness.. then turn and walk away.. thinking there's nothing they can (or will) do to help.

    I like how you captured the sad departing of a wounded bird and came up with a write that gives several different meanings to.

    Though a sad picture this portrays.. it's pretty good writing.
    | Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I can only imagine the sadness you must have felt to watch something so beautiful die when it was ment to fly and be free.
    it left you debilitated because - like so many things in life - it is simply out of our hands.
    In the last line - the taking of a deep breath seemed to have a special significance : it could be having the courage to walk away, accepting the situation as it was ment to be.
    Or it seemed that perhaps having closed your eyes at the moment of it's death and then opening - your deep breath signified it's release. and perhaps having walked away you might have felt releaved and finally at peace - able to move on.
    Anyhow, thanks for sharing.
    later. god-bless.
    sarah.

    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with the other comments that this could have so many different meanings and that's a wonderful quality in writing. At first glance this would be extremely morbid, but in the grand scheme of things, this had quite an impact on me. This kind of reminds me of someone that I was very close to, that just couldn't quite get it altogether. He had a very strong personality, but just could not for the life of him, get his act together. Not only did he hurt other people around him, but he really hurt himself. It took walking away from him to keep it from destroying me. Anyway, that's what this poem happened to bring to my mind. This has a powerful message to me and as so many have said, could be taken in so many different directions. Great job!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting and thought provoking poem. I read this a couple times and it kinda made me feel bad in a way as I pictured this poor creature lying there dying. But I look deeper into this poem, a dove is a powerful symbol for so many things and this is a good metaphor to use for a variety of things. It could symbolize life, death, love, acceptance, so many things that it makes the reader think a bit. And leaves me still feeling bad for the poor thing too haha! This is a good poem. I didnt capture the exact meaning here as there are too many options of what you were going for but if a poem can leave each reader with their own meaning than it is truly a good write. Nice job. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this to me could mean so many things. Death of love or freedom. Death of innocense. And the fact you turned your head shows 1.) that it was painful to watch this death take place and 2.) Respect by not gualking, and allowing the dove or issue to die gracefully. And the honesty to admit that you were not able to help shows to me a humility like the dove. This was very well written. I'm not sure of your actual meaning, but I do like the poem on a whole.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this,
    it symolizes so many things. though still beautiful the way it was.
    Simple, elegant... always wonderful.
    I love how you can have such an impact with your thoughts.
    Dying of a Dove- dove is freedom, purity..love..
    wonderful job!
    I enjoyed this very, very much-
    take care Jason!
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      It is one of the advantages of being a writer to be able to capture so much in the slightest event. Too many times in life, we arrive to late, take deep breathes and walk away.

    About the sentances: the submitting box is smaller than the posting one, so if you leave full sentances, they may be broken up there but not in the actual piece. If a sentance is so long that it does (you can check then go back to Edit it) then you can either change the font to 10 point or put in a huge image that widens the page.

    Good read,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      not bad at all.thought it would be a newbie poem but emotions are well put into it.
    before writing the poem use MSword to adjust the font and line spacing the problem must be fixed.
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      well this was a good poem it was better than i thought it would be from the title it had a lot of emotion in it for the dove then it was like you didn't care and walked away. but i like it. Jo
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by heartless_ | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting write! * looking for the right words*
    The flow was not really good, but I didn't really find that annoying. The words just described this scene fine, both image and emotions. The wording was also nice, but i think 'angelic creauture'is something used too often, try to find new metaphors and stuff, that'd really 'boost' the writing. Warn me if you post something new

    darth Zeus
    | Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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