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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Waltzingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 32
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 695
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 300



    Description:
       I don't often write to form so this was a challenge in many ways. Three beats per line do not give a lot of wiggle room.

    It was intended to represent the mixed feelings we have after leaving a relationship. At once we are feeling free and lost.

    To get the feel of this the lines should be read 1-2-pause, 1-2-3, 1-2-3


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWaltzingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Released…
    From a lease
    On a love

    Hunting…
    Homeless heart
    Abandoned

    Awake…
    And awe filled
    But lonely

    Dancing…
    Directed
    By delight

    Waltzing…
    In the square
    All alone




    Submitted on 2006-03-18 11:50:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      What a unique idea.. having a waltz rhythm in a poem. I'm sure it wasn't easy.. but you have done a good job in creating (and keeping) a theme, with such short lines.
    It has a sad but yet relieved feeling of being released from love.. and the realization that dancing alone (at times) isn't so bad..
    I like the dancing alone in the square..

    Just one thing... "awe filled".. isn't that only two syllables?

    Nice write.. I enjoyed!
    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed reading this one. It is very well written and expressed and I like the form you have used here. It is indeed challenging yet you have done a great job with it. It isnt easy to describe and capture emotions like these while limited by the form. You have done it though. The loss of a relationship is never easy and so many different feelings are felt, sometimes you are not sure how you feel. Sometimes it is fear and loneliness, sometimes it is a true sense of freedom. You have it all here with your words. Really good job with this. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Chrystine,
    A beautiful waltz you have written, and just like the 1-2-3 of the waltz, so is the rythym with which this moved. I am not a form writer, I have never been good enough to to handle it without sounding forced, and I'm always in awe of those who can and do it so well...

    The following lines:
    "Awake
    Awe filled
    And lonely"
    I felt best describe that feeling - that moment when you realize it's over and you are so amazed at the freedom...but are also left with that emptiness...

    Really nicely written Chystine

    Lisa
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Chrys, this I think is really good, because writing in form is really good, and I think it should be more appreciated. But anyways, before I get off topic, I have to say that my favorite stanza was the last one, and it was by far the saddest. But it's weird, because I don't think this is a sad poem. Not in the least, because now you are dancing in sunlight, am I write. This is so great though, I really loved it.
    Peace and much love. Happy Spring,
    Aya
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you nailed what your description stated. And did it in such a short and formatted way too. Most often this style gets written in a disjointed way the just comes off as a rant or crybabyish, ya know? But yours has a lot of thought behind it and the dancing thing you spun into it was very clever.
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Chrystine

    I agree on the fact that it is abit tying to write under this form.

    It would have been nice if u gave it the waltz rhythm though. 1-2-3-4/ 1-2-3-4
    or the 1-2 /1-2-3/ 1-2-3 is the waltz rhythm? I dunno I don't even waltz even though i'd love to...
    never mind me I am having the craziest ideas lately...
    Still it is a nice write.

    I like ur first stanza 2nd verse to be more precise.
    Usually we take love as a forever thing more like a title deed than a lease.
    U continued with the "house" jargon (if we can call it that) and since the lease is over the heart is homeless.

    Very nicely done...

    Then smoothly u transition to the "love" jargon abandoned lonely...

    Then we feel that the person realizes a gained freedom and they realize they can start all over again.

    Yet the dance they are leading is still a lone one, because something is still holding them back. It is like they realized that they want to enjoy this freedom and this time alone, before getting another lease and another home for their homeless heart.

    I enjoyed the read
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice idea, I like the "waltz" rythm, very haiku-ish.

    You're right about the restrictions. if you're playing with this sort of thing, every single word must shout out.

    The Japanese will take five years to write a haiku...makes my five minutes seem petty.

    I liked it, and I liked your detour into a form, very good to see.

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Chrystine
    I really like this style
    I like how you said up the reader to read this so it sinks in better
    This is cleverly worded and carries deep emotion
    To me this write reflected on someone perhaps a homeless man or woman who is given the resources they need to move forward in life an obtain all there dreams
    Great Write Chrystine
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I think 'released' and 'lease' sound too similar to be put line after line. I would change released to something else. Also, the dancing part seems happy while the rest of the poem is depressing.
    I like the form with 3 lines and the first one word with ... it makes for a powerful statement. "All alone" is a good way to end too. Overall I like it very much, :)
    | Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by Eriathien | [ Reply to This ]
      I gather from this the person is now newly single and waits for love as he or she dance alone still sad from heartache. The fact they are dancing shows they want to keep up with the pace of life. And the direct steps of the waltz show there is order in their moves and life, but still very sad as their carry on the facade, waiting for love. This was very sad and it could be seen in so many ways. You did a great job with this one. Perfect flow that match a literal waltz. Great work!

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow this one is new, i mean i have'nt this kind of poetry. Its nice, the stanza is seperated by 3 lines each. Its also simple and short but it dont reduce the meaning it have.

    This one also give a lot of meaning to me, the simple words can mean much. I must learn much from you.

    Btw keep it up, i really like this one.

    Bye bye and Take Care


    -David Setiawan-
    | Posted on 2006-07-17 00:00:00 | by garnet4david | [ Reply to This ]
      That is really a well-written peice of art and I like your style so much to describe things with a few words that is great and I think it is so powerful thing. The part I like most when you described that aimless and lonely heart :
    " Hunting…
    Homeless heart
    Abandoned

    Awake…
    Awe filled
    And lonely"
    Great Job...
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]
      interesting opening, "a lease on love..." i suppose that is what it is, we can never own love, can we?
    i like the hope in this, the dancing alone shows that she can still feel something positive even though love has "abandoned" her. i like the waltzing affect while reading.. makes me wanna dance right here in my living room!

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]


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