Realm of Order by shoggoth

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Submission Name: Realm of Order dots

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Author:	shoggoth
ASL Info:	21/m/croatia
Elite Ratio:	4.71 - 78/84/30
Words:	79

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	226
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	492

Description:
any critique or thoughts..thank you :))

Realm of Order dots

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Evil, good or neutral - cunning, honor or fright
Etiquetted enemies are easier to fight
Revenge absorbed in justice alters all pure minds
The path of reason once laid straight, now it twists and winds

Sincerely reconsider things considered to be true
Good is good and evil's not - a too subjective view
Both sides may be convinced to bear the stone of blame
For the falling rain and the burning flame -
both sound the same

Submitted on 2006-03-18 12:53:33 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I'm attracted to this piece by the title, which is simply amazing to me. That being said, I'll make an effort to delve into the actual poetry.

I'm not sure if this is politically motivated, as I'm completely unaware of the political situation in Croatia. That in itself makes the context of the poem hard for me to place.

That being said, I'm impressed with this 9-line poem. The use of rhyme is an added bonus, and fits surprisingly well with this type of poem. It kind of helps to add to the dichotomy of reality that you seem to create.

I like that you begin by introducing three seperate worlds, all of which seem subjective. Even neutrality can be subjective, as shown by the U.S. in both of the World Wars. It's interesting that after you speak about etiquetted enemies, you shift the focus to vendetta-driven enemy, and how different that can be. The immediate theme I derive from the first stanza, then, is that the drive for revenge taints otherwise just minds, and drives sanity insane. It makes me think of Shakespear's Othello.

The second stanza is extremely intruiging on its own, suggesting the general subjectivity of things that should be cut and dried, when you suggest that societal norms such as good and evil should be reconsidered. It's extremely suggestive of metaphysical values such as securitization, but then you don't go into depth about that either.

Just as fast as you break into that series of thoughts, you provide a brilliant synesthetic image of falling rain and burning flame, brining excellent contrast to the general thematic notion of the poem, and a brilliant conclusion. Honestly, this poem is one of the best, in my opinion, that I've read. It's an immediate favorite, as far as I'm concerned.

Thus, my suggestions: Elaborate! You have two extremely intelligent and suggestive ideas in this poem that could be explored to be even more profound. If you added two stanzas to accomplish that goal, or wrote a new poem that preached the same message, but was a little more in depth, I would probably love that too.

No matter what you decide, great write!
| Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by Jakle1111 | [ Reply to This ]
You mentioned this one, and it intrigued me. There's one line that really impressed me -

"The path of reason once laid straight, now it twists and winds"

I love this one - it says so much, yet the wording if efficient, and fits well with your scheme. I am not very talented when it comes rhymes - so forgive me if I'm all raving compliments for someone who has apparently mastered the technique. I think the only ryming poem I have is "Valkyrian Berserker" and I think it came off sounding really juvenile, lol.

I also am quite taken with the first two lines of the second verse - they really drive the message home. Too often people take for granted what they believe to be good and evil and they never stop to think there may be a second side to the story.
| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]

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