MyOrpheus& ReflectionInAWindow by FrankBlissett

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Submission Name: MyOrpheus& ReflectionInAWindow dots

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Author:	FrankBlissett
Elite Ratio:	5.17 - 206/191/66
Words:	181

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	256
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1380

Description:
Here are a couple reposts - "My Orpheus" and "Reflection In A Window". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.

MyOrpheus& ReflectionInAWindow dots

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My Orpheus

You fumble across a rivulet,
Damping your play clothes.
Then up the bank
And along a meandering trail.
Upstream, the ice jam you passed
Sluggishly threatens to birth spring.

Walking downstream you come to
A beaver dam laden with rotting grass.
Your friend has caught up,
Together you descend and carefully cross.

Up again then down to a mud skimmed clearing,
With the stream's embolism lapping at the edge.
Unseen and unheard over the horizon,
The threatening flood sleeps still.

You squeeze your friend's hand, turn,
And climb the paving stones to higher ground.

REFLECTION IN A WINDOW

Do you notice me two booths in front of you?
Looking over your shoulder,
As twilight presses on the restaurant's back window.

In it you are a reflection of a reflection.
Your ghost eyes look to me,
Look through me --
Look to a future setting red and mean across a dusty overpass.

A future I can only see in reflection.

Submitted on 2006-03-19 09:50:48 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Frank... there is an absolutely wonderful rhythm hiding in My orpheus, just below the surface... it's almost there. I wish I could tell you how to find it and express it but instead I'll suggest you read some of Gerard Manly Hopkins' poetry and see what he does with his language and what is known as 'Sprung Rhythm.' I think you'll enjoy it immensely and find it inspirational.

As two the sexcond poem, I think the image is really good, but the lineation of the piece is just sort of... there. I'd suggest playing with your lines... enjambing them more to try and find some interesting rhythms... just as an experiment.
| Posted on 2006-05-19 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  Grrrrr.... if one accidentally click on the Vote button then it erases any comments one might have written

So... yay!!! Revisions!!! Both of these seem muchly improved on what I remember of the originals, except that I have a bit of trouble disentangling the previous thought processes and taking these at face value. But here's a shot at it anyhow.

My Orpheus: It's like a poem-based adventure game!! What will I decide to do next? Will I go visit the beavers, or will I throw a stone in the creek, awakening the evil dragon? Riiiight... so aside from my cup of coffee speaking here, I really do like this, and I do like how it is different. I like wondering where the speaker comes into play; is the speaker "your friend" or is the speaker some third party imagining all of this? I like not knowing. I like not knowing how old the characters are (especially by having the main character be "you," I'm forced to subconciously assume throughout most of the poem that the characters are about my age, but in the second line you mention "play clothes." Now I'll admit that I do have play clothes, but one usually imagines a person with play clothes as being a young child, which just lets this be read in an entirely different light. How exciting.).

Oh---second line there---do you mean dampening instead of damping? I keep thinking of a damped harmonic oscillator and the image just isn't jiving well with the play clothes.

Reflection in a window: If I recall correctly, this version is much simpler than the previous one. I like the simplicity. The last line is a bit confusing, though. In the second stanza, the "future" being discussed is the one that this other person sees. But the last line makes it seem like it was one the speaker sees. I guess that works, oooh, on both a literal and a metaphorical level. Literally, the speaker can't see the sunset because their back is to it, but they can see it reflecting off of the window. Metaphorically, ... metaphorically is a little confusing, but that's okay. Hmm. Yes, I like.

You're making me want to try to revise my own poems. Well done.
| Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
  Do you notice me two booths in front of you?
Looking over your shoulder,
As twilight presses on the restaurant's back window.

Those lines are ingenious and hit the right spot. So few words and common ones too they are timeless to me.

God those are amazing lines.

I don't really know what to say, they give me this image of someone looking across from someone, maybe it's someone he knows, and she catches his glance (whether they know or not is not my business) but they are characters in those few lines is the point.

It feels as if the 'I' is shying a smile to her for whatever reason and there seems to be alot of faith and hope in these lines.

I wish you have made this happier in the end... though the end gives it more depth and imagery and it makes me read back to the first section.

The first poem too is very good, one of the best and most memorable ones that i've read from you---it has that sincerity and both of these play well off each other.

I think so far my favorite post from you anyway.

-Jon
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by Dr.Strangelove | [ Reply to This ]
  In all honesty the first few lines of the second poem gives really inspires me to write something or atleast about that or something similar in the context of theme.

(on a hopefully happier note than the second)

-Jon
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by Dr.Strangelove | [ Reply to This ]

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