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    dots Submission Name: Life Unknowndots

    Author: prettybaby
    Elite Ratio:    6.59 - 191/194/59
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1103
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 879


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLife Unknowndots

    Hidden in a sea of dreams
    The future lies unspoken
    It may be all we wish to be
    Or it may leave us broken

    One can never lie to fate
    For destiny rules all
    We may rise above the world
    Should we risk the fall

    Fear is he that holds us back
    He's been there from the start
    Relishing his feast upon
    The weak spot in our hearts

    But courage, also, brave and bold
    Is fighting back the curse
    Forever standing at our guard
    To pull us through the worst

    There need be no consternation
    No excuse for holding back
    We could live in colored fields
    Or we could paint them black

    No soul can glance at forever
    Nor dictate what lies ahead
    We could die from living life
    Or we could live life dead

    Submitted on 2006-03-19 13:03:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Marvelous. That middle part gave this piece the 'something more' that it needed. The title suits it well. I forget the ones I suggested when we talked about this piece, but I do like the one you've chosen.

    Most of what I could say about this poem I hit in my last review of it. There's not really much more to say here. You've become really strong as a writer, as well as a person. It is my hope that you never forget who you are inside. There is a beautiful person inside of you. Somebody that I look up to every day. Don't let her be consumed by the darkness, because she is my guiding light.

    Be well,
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by Zabriel | [ Reply to This ]
      first poem I've ever read by you i think, and I loved it. it was so true and so.....captivating ya know? I loved it. I wish I could find something wrong with it.....but I can't. its perfect how it is and the ending is great. I really can't think of anything better. I haven't read the original, so I dont know what part you added or anything that it used to be like, but i bet it was still great the way it was then too.

    I got the feeling that failure was attacking this 'character' and courage gave him/her the strength to get back up time and time again. it was great. I loved this!

    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice Nice Nice! haha. I loved the way you described both courage and fear, and how the poem flowed. I felt a high tempo and vigor in it. :) Things you might like to change might be in your second last stanza, "There need be no consternation"... I think procrastination would fit better there? Just a thought. Your ending's great as it is. :) I'm not completely happy with the title too but... well, no point being too perfectionistic there too... it is good as it is. My two cents. *thumbs up*

    | Posted on 2006-03-25 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
      First to answer the question you left on the description: No! The ending is beautiful the way it is, and I hope that you don't change or add anything - especially not to that part. These two lines:
    We could die from living life
    Or we could live life dead
    'put me in my place' ( so to speak) and stood out so boldly to me, I loved it. Actually, I enjoyed the whole thing; and I'm not sure what 'middle' you added (as I had not read the original) but I just wanted to point out this certain area aswell, as I liked it so much I went and read this part another time through:
    Fear is he that holds us back
    He's been there from the start
    Relishing his feast upon
    The weak spot in our hearts.

    I know none of this is criticising your work, and I'm sorry I can't offer any help or advice, but personally I don't think this should be changed at all. It's excellent as it stands now, and I'd love to see if anyone finds anything wrong with it (because it would surprise the hell outta me). Excellent, excellent, excellent.
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      Truth, truth, truth you speak! This poem is well-written, It looks like you put a lot of effort into it as well. Love it, it's going into my favourites.
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by AnoBaby | [ Reply to This ]
      ok. i have to tell you, the title fits the poem completely. love the ending, love the whole poem for that matter. it's kinda of simple yet profound and i like it for being that way. now i don't really know a lot about fancy poetry, but to tell you the truth i kinda liiked the simple meter, words and meanings of this poem. i especially liked the slight imagery of coloured fields or black fields. i really liked the metaphors you used in the poem. good work. keep it up.

    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]

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