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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: An Awakening...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xaos
    Elite Ratio:    2.73 - 34/54/49
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 189
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1534



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAn Awakening...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    My flesh invaded by jacketed lead core
    Living color spills onto a canvas of war
    Bits of fragmented me shower the scene
    Clean-up men couldn’t scourer it clean

    Ghetto floors toast with a vampire’s lust
    Frenzied palates thirst as nuts go to bust
    Ancestry pours whilst young thoughts ooze
    Emptied minds collect in gutters, my muse

    Deadly shrapnel within the tissues of kin
    Families are torn by the impurities of skin
    Conflict’s confined deep in a convicts mind
    Sentenced to death just one breath at a time

    Can you hear the chants of an ancient soul?
    Damned entities out on weeping patrols
    Tongues of a million slain echo in my ears
    No measure of fame will ever tame my fears

    The concrete’s alive, saturated by lives leaked
    Beneath the feet of victims past & eyes blinked
    Attrition thrives when society pays it no mind
    Rewind time to witness crimes no jury can fine

    Stitched into the fabric that joins time & space
    Is the very thread sewn into the human race
    Disgrace the keepers of old like Cortez for gold
    & you’ll drown in the shallow pond of your mold

    Breeched by the angry flight of projectiles at night
    Despite breath I fight to recite the prayer of last rite
    Finally free from the worldly shackles that bind me
    My eyes open to a world that no longer blinds me






    Submitted on 2006-03-19 16:43:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      In my mind's eye I saw this as a reference to the war in the inner city. Crimes in the ghetto, where lives are cheap. I liked the powerful imagery of your opening a lot. A bullet ripping into the protagonist of the piece, splattering flesh on the concrete!

    I liked your rhyming scheme, although I think you could have changed Stanza 5 a bit where "leaked" and "blinked" do not fit into the overall scheme as well as they could have.
    Perhaps "linked" instead of "leaked"?

    Overall, an interesting piece tho. Well done.

    psyve
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by Psyve | [ Reply to This ]
      I adore this piece...its perfect...just so thought provoking! I really like ur imagery and your choice of words is amazing! I think ur a very skilled writer, keep it up! I like the issue u address, and most of all the metaphoric language that u use to convey ur thoughts across! cheers man
    Please read some of my stuff and lemme know what u think!
    Respect,
    Mihir
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by mihir | [ Reply to This ]
      I think maybe you lost the plot a touch through the cetner stages, it started and finished well, but needs to hold the interest of the reader, as it's fairly heavy reading, and people are lazy.

    I like the way you used the warfare theme right through, as life IS a battlefield, and, although your total meaning probably eludes me, I see enough in here to see that it's quite well done.

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a great piece. I only saw one real flaw, which was the use of the "&" sign. I hate that sign, it gives it a much less formal feel to the piece, almost amature. The rhyming actually worked in this piece. Most rhyming poems I find try too hard to rhyme and it feels forced. This rolled effortlessly off the tongue. I quite enjoyed this piece. The third stanza stood out in my mind. I really enjoyed it. Great write!

    ~Monty
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by Deep_Monty | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought your rhyming in this piece was very well thought out. Where you used the word stitched it worked very well and stands out to the reader, kept me wanting to read on. The only thing i saw that i can critique is, its very hard to use the same word 2 in on line and make it work especially if you have a rhyme scheme which you did... maybe use a different word then clean... i don't know like spiff lol thats all that came to mind but i don't think it would work for this particular piece. Hope to hear from you soon and read more of your work. Have a wonderful day. Amber
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by amber_in_wyomin | [ Reply to This ]



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