Now this one I can critique. It's much more straightforward. The one thing I noticed strongly: you have a number of little words that you could do without. In fact, it would strengthen your lines. For example:
So as it seems - delete 'as'
Limit of the sky - delete 'of'
My Maya and me together on fire. - delete 'my'
Next, I question your use of the word 'prolong' in the third stanza. You're not really talking about prolonging life as much as about living a better life. Why don't you just say something like 'A picture of life without her is bleak' or something like that.