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    dots Submission Name: My Mayadots

    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1280
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 581

       Maya a dream that can never come true.
    Maya a dream worth dying for.
    Maya my life my love.........

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Mayadots

    Love of a blind man
    So as it seems
    Sight of eternity
    The girl of my dreams

    The might of the eye
    To see life and beyond
    Limit of the sky
    Is the reach to be found?

    Nothing but her in all of my life
    Sent to be gifted by me in all
    Life to prolong without her is bleak
    And all i can do is wait for the call

    The call of love in the air in the heart
    Is the mind or the heart confused to admire
    Waiting will be forever it seems
    My Maya and me together on fire.

    Submitted on 2006-03-19 21:43:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Now this one I can critique. It's much more straightforward. The one thing I noticed strongly: you have a number of little words that you could do without. In fact, it would strengthen your lines. For example:

    So as it seems - delete 'as'

    Limit of the sky - delete 'of'

    My Maya and me together on fire. - delete 'my'

    Next, I question your use of the word 'prolong' in the third stanza. You're not really talking about prolonging life as much as about living a better life. Why don't you just say something like 'A picture of life without her is bleak' or something like that.

    Keep going with this. Good luck. mae
    | Posted on 2008-12-18 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      That was really pretty. The rhyming, I don't know, it just seemed different. Not the bland kind of rhyming I generally see in poetry. I like this, very nice job.

    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]

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