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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Everythingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 593
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 695



    Description:
       I think it's pretty much self-explanatory...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEverythingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He's a dream that I will never wake from,
    A pain that no one else will ever feel.
    He's the gray in my once blue sky
    He's the only thing that's real.

    He's a whisper in a room of screams,
    A moment that can never be.
    He's the flutter in my stomach,
    He's the only one for me.

    He is all of the things I've lost
    He's everything I ever had.
    He's never been so happy
    I've never been so sad.

    He's the only thing I want
    He is everything I need
    He's the only one who's ever mattered
    He is everything to me.




    Submitted on 2006-03-20 07:56:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Love is strange isn't it? Wanting, needing, yearning. I've felt it myself. I'm just lucky I got what I sought after, so I'm going to sound like a hypocrite. Love is the only thing that overpowers emotion. Like someone for their beauties, but love someone for their love in you. I liked what you did with the peice, but it's a bit too generic for me. Still, talent and emotion overpower all, and you've got some talent in you, I see it clearly. I see something much better than this beyond the horizon.
    Wishing for more
    ~Brian
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
      "He's a whisper in a room of screams,
    A moment that can never be.
    He's the flutter in my stomach,
    He's the only one for me."

    That was my fave stanza. This was very, very good. I think it is my fave so far :) It reminded me of someone I once knew, and it was very powerful. I could feel the longing, and the pain, and every other emotion that was laced through the words in this piece, and it was stunning. What can I say, I'm speechless!
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      Very strong write-up. I particularly loved these two lines:
    "He's never been so happy
    I've never been so sad."
    So smooth, yet so telling. The poem was extremely emotive and really gives the reader a good feel of the emotional state of the writer.
    My only suggestions would be to modify the first few lines a bit.
    "He's a dream that I will never wake from," maybe you should eliminate the "that"? don't think it fits there and will make your poem sound smoother...
    "A pain that no one else will ever feel." You might like to rephrase that... maybe changing the "will" to "can" would help convey the pain better... but I believe you can do better. ;)
    Love it, may you grow with this.

    Yours truly,
    Bann
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
      It's very simple... and definitely too direct. You could use more metaphores that would help us, readers, feel more like you did while writing this one. Please, work on the artistic side more than just putting rhymes.

    Your emotions, no matter what sort of, are your ultimate power. And I'm sure you can blow us away if you try a little harder. Images that you can relate to, situations, senses... those liitle devils can really help a lot. I suggest reading some professional poetry as well. Sylvia Plaith for example seems suitable... her poetry is difficult but VERY rewarding. Try it.
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the emotion in this and the way you express those emotions. With this stanza:

    He's a whisper in a room of screams,
    A moment that can never be.
    He's the flutter in my stomach,
    He's the only one for me.

    I can really imagine you telling me this and I can imagine the excitement and tone of voice you'd use.

    This is a very good poem, keep writing!

    -x- Candie
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by teenage_dirtbag | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes...very self-expanatory. I hate the whole concept of someone making a man or woman your "whole" life. Sometimes...it's just unavoidable. Too bad I don't listen to my own advice when it comes to my own relationships. It can cause so much pain...but it can be good as well...very good. Bah...

    I guess in your situation...it wasn't.
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by bleeding-soul | [ Reply to This ]
      hi, he must be God, you love Him so much, very good write. tom

    He's a whisper in a room of screams,
    A moment that can never be.
    He's the flutter in my stomach; <?
    He's the only one for me.
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an incredible write
    I may be wrong about this but I believe this write has to do with the belief you have that negativity has taken control of your life
    Do not give in to his selfish desires
    Continue to Remain Positive
    Remenber there is always a positive to every negative
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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