Show Me by stefhy

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Submission Name: Show Me dots

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Author:	stefhy
ASL Info:	18/f/Canada
Elite Ratio:	8 - 142/62/20
Words:	162

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	219
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1032

Description:
In terms of feedback for this one, I'm hoping to hear some ideas on how I can make this a little less 'spoon fed' to the reader. It doesn't seem to make the reader think, like I think poetry should. Please be very very critical, down to the last detail - I am here to improve, the harsher the critique the better.

Show Me

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Show me the world hidden in your mind,
Cry me the tear that your eyes firmly bind
Bring forth emotion, that makes the world crumble,
Pull down some bricks, and watch the walls tumble.

In your smile, let me see eternal light,
Where the sun never falls and autumn leaves take flight
Waves of yellow, gold and green,
Don't let your smile go unseen.

Show me emotion, bring about the rain,
Cry me the tear that will share all your pain.
Bring forth the thunder, release all its sound,
Pull down the lightening with its force unbound.

When I look into your eyes,
I pray to see no disguise.
The secret strands of black and white,
No longer hidden from my sight.

Show me your strength, by falling apart,
Cry me the tears of your aching heart.
Bring forth a story of your feeling's erosion,
Pull down the glory, of escaping emotion.

Submitted on 2006-03-20 15:31:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hi,

This is a good poem, well structured, cryptic in a sense, and tried to help, by giving a few ideas.

Slight changes:

Would let just one word less in L5P2
"So in your smile, let me see eternal light,"
to:
"In your smile, let me see eternal light,"

"Show me the world hidden in your mind,
Cry me the tear that your eyes firmly bind"
to:
Show me the world shrouded in your cerebral core,
Cry me the tear that your eyes firmly store

Pull down the lightening with its force unbound.
to:
Call upon the lightening with its force unbound.

When I look into your eyes,
I pray to see no disguise.
to:
Observing your eyes,
I pray to see

The secret strands of black and white,
No longer hidden from my sight.

Show me your strength, by falling apart,
Cry me the tears of your aching heart.
Bring forth a story of your feeling's erosion,

Pull down the glory, of escaping emotion.
to:
Free the glory, of escaping emotion.

Liked the whole poem, just played about with some, alterations to make the poem more secretive and try to increase the cryptic factor.

Kind regards
Eric
| Posted on 2007-02-25 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
  On a normal basis I would have been turned away by the rhyming instantly but your introduction intrigued me so I thought I would suffer through it and to my great surprise there was no suffering. This is an extremely well writen poem. I honestly believe that you have the talent to publish your work somewhere other than on elite like maybe write a book of poetry and have it published you know? Anyways this is another favorite.

Sage
| Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok........well I dont think spoon fed is Quite the right expressions. As I read I had a lot trouble just trying to figure witch direction you were going. There is a lot of stuff here that is powerful but lacks direction.

Let me tell you what works for me.
I wright everything on a pad of a paper.
And when I am done I just set it down.
I come back latter and start looking over the piece. I put notes on it I switch words I move paragraphs on top of each other, switch words with others that feel like they should. And after I have a mess that only I can understand then I refine it and rewrite(or put it on computer) so others can understand where I had been when I had put my emotions on paper. Thats how it works for for me.

see ya!!

Joshua
| Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by ooononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]
  Truly insightful. Good to know some people actually aim for readers to be thinking and taking action than simply relating. As for how ambiguous you want this to be, it's going to be kind of hard to change that now. If you're making a piece more clear, then you write it then change it, but if you're making a piece less clear it has to be from the first edition, I'm afraid.

You asked for general advice, but in the description you asked for a detailed analysis. I'll go for the latter starting from the texture instead of the theme, because I'm sure enough people have commented on that so far.

First of all, there's no need to repeat the title, but that's a trivial nitpick. First stanza, you maintain a strict "aabb" flow throughout apart from in the very first verse where this wavers. Try something like:
"Show me the world hidden in your mind,
Cry me the tear that your eyes firmly bind."

Stanza two, line two, you can't have two tenses in one line. I suggest you change it to: "Where the sun never falls and autumn leaves take flight". Again in lines three and four the rhyme scheme wavers. Here's an example for a substitution:
"Waves of yellow, gold and green,
Don't let your smile go unseen."

In stanza three, the last line "with all strengths bound" seems quite weak, as if you've been restricted by the rhyme. How about something like: "Pull down the lightening with it's force unbound"

Stanza five is fine, but the rhythm is off in the second line, so I suggest you either remove the word "truth" or put something like "I pray to see no disguise".

That analysed, I'll go on to punctuation. Remove the commas in the middle of lines three, four, six, twelve, seventeen and twenty. Then in line nineteen, add a possessive apostrophe "feeling's".

And that, fellow poet, is all the criticising I can do. This piece was inspirational, deep and loving all at the same time. I hope this comment is the type you wanted. Have a wonderful day and may your pen stay sharp.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-03-26 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked it alot, I love how you took out your soul. great staff! I could not have done better myself great work. I hope i can read more of your staff.
| Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by joseher | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, I love it! It is so beautifully written, with all the imagery it paints a very beautiful picture. My favorite lines are:

So in your smile, let me see eternal light,
Where sun will never fall, and autumn leaves take flight.
Waves of yellow, gold and green,
Let your smile be more than it seems.

I love these lines because it just describes something so beautiful bet yet has meaning beyond just the words. Great job! I can't wait to see more, and I don't see anything you could really fix about it, the rhyming was great and I didn't see any spelling errors or grammar problems so I would give this poem a 10 out of 10 hands down.

Lucky
| Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by luckyms20 | [ Reply to This ]
  this was great i liked it from start to finish the emotional sequence was very capturing for one who has expierenced this state of mind

silver hair
| Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by Silver Hair | [ Reply to This ]
  Show me your strength, by falling apart,
Cry me the tears of your aching heart.

my favorite lines.

the rhythm could be a little bit improved. when i read it aloud, i sometimes stumble, but that could just be me.

great message, i like it.

the rhyming was great, it didn't sound forced at all.
| Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by Itzmeemiflee | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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