[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Kamikaze Butterfliesdots

    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 692
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 641

       I just started thinking, I get these crazy butterflies when he's around...They're like suicide pilots diving around...kamikaze

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKamikaze Butterfliesdots

    Swirling, diving, wiggling about,
    Driving me insane
    They toss their wings and flutter in joy,
    Regardless of the pain

    It's only when you come around,
    When you walk into my sight
    They do their crazy, joyful dance
    Whether it be day or night

    I can't handle the dancing
    I can't believe the ache
    I can't do the things they want
    I don't know how much I can take

    I can't live without your touch,
    I just want to look into your eyes
    And then they start their dancing
    The kamikaze butterflies.

    Submitted on 2006-03-21 07:46:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      That's pretty.

    My favorite part is:

    "They toss their wings and flutter in joy,
    Regardless of the pain"

    I don't know why though. It just makes me sad.

    Omg these pop-ups are driving me nuts. Sorry I can't comment longer... I've got to go fight them off.

    Very beautifully done
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this poem. it's beautiful in the sad way that makes pain beautiful. when you classified it longing you weren't kidding.

    "And then they start their dancing
    The kamikaze butterflies."
    this is my favorite part, it's the perfect way to end such a wonderful poem.

    the only negative thing i have to say is that i think "I can't do the things they want me to do"
    feels a little off, rythm wise. if the line was shorter, it might flow better, even just dropping th 'do' at the end might help. but that's just my opinion. take it or leave it, i still love this.

    ... it's so going on my favorites.

    i'm definately gonna come back to your page, you're an inspired writer.

    have a loverly day
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by MyFairCalamity | [ Reply to This ]
    he gives u butterflies
    This was super fun and super cute.
    Loved the lightness of it...
    Doesn’t weigh to heavy on my heart..

    Have a groovy day!


    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
      see you write a good poem and u don't even call me. what the helllll
    i mean for real.
    you think that you are so cool
    i think that i will be spending more time with you
    cory has a job
    he works weekends
    it sucks
    but i had fun with you guys and steve
    i hope no one is mad at me
    i was a little crazy
    but it was fun.
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      This is adorable. I know it's not necessarily supposed to be, but it is. I especially love the last passage.
    Instead of "making me insane" could it be "driving me insane"?

    Have a great day!
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by Areinaka | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting poem.
    I would avoid using the line "I don't know how much I can take" because I've seen it in many, many poems.
    Also, "They toss their wings and flutter in joy,
    Regardless of the pain" The first line of this is one of my favourites in the poem, but 'the pain' is very vague. Pain of what? Your pain?
    Overall I would be a bit more descriptive, but this is a good start. :)
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by Eriathien | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by ShyOne
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    prison written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]