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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: in loves wordsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: robbie
    ASL Info:    20/m/mi
    Elite Ratio:    2.79 - 53/53/36
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1117
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1072



    Description:
       what do you all think


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsin loves wordsdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Two lovers eyes lock from across the room
    Then their thoughts begin to zoom
    Never before have I felt like this
    I can't wait till we have our first kiss
    Just to be with you and hold you tight
    You were the one to restore the light
    I'll always be there right when you need me
    You're the only one with my heart and key
    For you're the person I need the most
    Just like sailors long for the coast
    Happiness moves me when you're near
    Only then do I have nothing to fear
    The only thing I fear is losing you
    But im pretty sure this you already knew
    You're the reason I rise and shine each day
    I only care about what you have to say
    The smile on your face means I did something right
    That's all I care about at the end of the night
    I love you that's all I have to say
    Because I cant explain how I feel each day
    Only can it be shown when im with you
    But that's nothing new




    Submitted on 2006-03-21 09:40:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The rhyme doesn't see all that forced to me, and then again I'm not that great at rhyming but I try when I can.

    There are so areas that could use a little touch up but no great error. This was an enjoyable read.

    Keep it up

    Later
    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      well innocence .... well everybody has happened this once in our lives .. the times when we do not know everything and that we sometimes are shy and stuff like this ,....
    i think that this writing was an okay one ... with a rhyming a little force i recommend you not to force rhyming .. youd better use free verse .. and read some good writers
    take care
    and thanks for sharing and if you have time please take a look to my wriitng i would really appreciate it
    take care
    peace and love
    and have a nice day
    Victor
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      this did seem a bit forced rhymed but ppl tell me that with alot of my writes and when it comes down to it, rhyming is usually not the most important aspect of a write. this did seem rather innocent for a love write but that's what was so sweet about it, it showed that you're intentions are totally pure. (of course no one said a little less innocence would hurt anything) This was a great write, I hope
    (s)he liked it, I would love it if someone felt like this about me. anyway I look forward to reading more from you soon.
    peace and love.
    jess
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      One word, Innocence. This poem basically defines it! No matter what age you are you can achieve this sort of innocence. Love can make you feel and act that way and this poem perfectly describes what it's like to feel love from someone who has caught your attention. Very nice work!
    | Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by ERA | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the poem but it seems as though you have been trying too hard too make it rhyme.
    I think instead of a poem this could make very good lyrics for a song. It has that sort of innocence about it and mayvbe you should look to write a chorus and perhpas a second verse to it and submit it that way, just a thought.
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by Mr R | [ Reply to This ]


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