Memories in a Silver circle by Swanne

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Submission Name: Memories in a Silver circle dots

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Author:	Swanne
Elite Ratio:	4.31 - 258/206/43
Words:	181

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nostalgia
Total Views:	297
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1230

Description:

Memories in a Silver circle dots

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Henry,
He named his presence
And if not for the deep diagonal line
Furrowing between his thick brows
She would have named him handsome

Snuggling into his rough calloused hand
She saw a glimpse of shining beauty
A rattling silver bracelet full of charms
It stole the drum beat from her heart

Her wrinkled fingers warmed the metal
Brushed against the open mouth
of a tiny ballet shoe
She had been a dancer once
Of that she was sure

Hungry now
She passed the sparkling jewels
That held only beauty but not meaning
She landed on a name
Smelted together without care
“Elvis”
He had been her first true love

Shaking softly with age
her small hands continued on their adventure
and came to a screeching halt
At the bold statement of
#1
MOM

Awareness filled her head
tears blurred her eyes
as she looked up at him
Henry Elvis Shelman
Her baby

Mom,
He named her presence
And the deep diagonal line
Smoothed out between his dark brows

Submitted on 2006-03-21 16:14:30 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is a really great write
I may be wrong here but I believe you were referring to how one can course there own Life simply by looking at something as simple as a charm bracelet and creating a beautiful new reality thru the treasures of the old reality
I really liked this as this really made me think
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello Swanne,

ok first the title… why? out of all these comments I focus on the title, well it is a mystery to me and I like mysterious things. I may bump my head trying to solve it and get no where close but that never stops this brute beast hehe. Ok first thing I noticed with the title is that “siver” should be “silver” There is a chance that the title did not completely fit in so I must at least say that. What does a silver circle mean to me given what is in the context of this write? There are two characters here Henry and what appears to be his mother. The mother is looking at a charm that I believe he bought for her. perhaps it appears as a circle first or perhaps the circle is to represent a tight union between mother and child. Silver may also double silver in age and silver metallic. She reminisces back with her thoughts about her son being her one true love. Sadly I think she might have Alzheimer’s it is a shot in the dark really but she is feeling these objects that are bringing back memories.

some parts that popped out at me.

“Henry,
He named his presence”

so he has to say it his Henry. even knowing how much she deeply loved him, her memory is not working like it should be.

another thing is:

“And if not for the deep diagonal line
Furrowing between his thick brows
She would have named him handsome”

the deep diagonal line means to me, Henry is frustrated perhaps angry and hurt, and there is a line between his brows. Naming him handsome is another thing with her memory.

“She saw a glimpse of shining beauty
A rattling silver bracelet full of charms
It stole the drum beat from her heart”

that is Henry’s gift to her a bracelet that says number one mom on it.

“Her wrinkled fingers”
hints at her age.

“She had been a dancer once
Of that she was sure”

another part that shows her memory problem.

“Awareness filled her head
tears blurred her eyes
as she looked up at him
Henry Elvis Shelman
Her baby”

Here she has that awesome moment where she remembers him. It is emotionally packed and it is very heartwarming.

“Mom,
He named her presence
And the deep diagonal line
Smoothed out between his dark brows”

I am thinking: will Henry have to go through it again most likely. But it ends on a better note, if you really wanted to crush the reader you could have went another way, perhaps “Henry again announcing to her that he is leaving her in the fog.” I feel better that you have chose the more heartfelt way to end it.

Anyhow troubling write, sometimes tragedy doesn’t happen with something shocking but more like a whimper that people grieve over. well done Swanne, no hell Excellent you get an A here. Because the impact, I would weep like a baby if I saw someone I love going through that. love it!!

~mike
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm stumped by this one my dear. I loved the writing but could not grasp your poem. I think it has a deeper meaning my brian can not get today. I keep thinking of a woman who long for her son, but only remember him when she looks at little chain on her wrist. Overall, this was good.

Trina
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  you got skill girl.
this one kinda made me dizzy, and i likes it!
yeah, it was kinda like a Dali painting....you see things you recognize but are still confused. i love that feeling!
keep writing.
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
  it was kind of confusing when reading the first time.. but then you get the idea of this good writing
so keep writing you have a talent here. and please never leave
peace and love and if you have time please take a look to my writings...
have a nice day
and take care
Victor
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed it...descriptive but not openly obvious. Left me to sort through it, re-read and come to my own conclusion. Thats what art is all about...the viewers impact, often no two are the same. Good work.
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Noah | [ Reply to This ]
  An old lady, a bit senile perhaps? who couldn't recognise the homecoming of her son? Who couldn't remember of things past. Tragic really. That's how I read it. Beautifully written. Very descriptive poem. I'm just a tad annoyed (just a tad!) ;) by the "# 1"... was it really needed there? what was it supposed to signify? Otherwise, great job! *Thumbs up*

Bann
| Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
  I just got the feeling she stumbled across an "Elvis and then a "MoM" tattoo on his body as she was examining his body with her hand, HA! Dunno if I am right or not, but for some reason she still slept with him. Even though in her mind she thought he was a loser, but WTF, right? That whole, "Ya only live once" thing kicked into her at that moment. Anyway, I dont read much, so if I misinterrpret things, well, its cuz I am not literalitilally thinking.
Very interesting tale.

| Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  I was actually confused by this piece, but in truth, I find that to be a good thing, because now it allows the reader to interpret it how he/she/it wants. The way I saw it, I thought that the main character (if there is one) was looking back on past memories and the influential people in her life, and how much they impacted her. I'm not sure if I got it right. Anyway, great piece, very original!

SB7
| Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting, well done. I like your style, it's very natural, for lack of a better word. I enjoyed it, please continue. There was nothing distracteing bout it. Verly clear. Very original.
| Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by nsc | [ Reply to This ]
  discombobulated I think, I had a difficult time between the relationship of the women dare I say mother and the guy dare I say son or other. I am at a dismay on this one perhapes I need to read it again but I did that lol. Well you got me on this one. Perhapes give a little more detail on intro so the reader can kinda guess where you are headed. Well that is just my point of view. I know you write very well I have read some of your other work and very impressed. Ok keep up the good stuff.

Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]

Swanne,
I should have looked at this earlier. I like the title but am not excited about the word 'circle' but have no beter word to offer. Perhaps 'Bangle'

Isnn't 'circle' suposed to be capatilized if 'Silver" is? I don't know, I'm just asking.

Loved the descriptions of the old lady. The balet shoe charm, the tears in her eyes, the pure love for her son.

and Henry,
His imperfection that becomes perfect when she is near.

Donn
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]

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