Do/Did you ever? by LostInYerTears

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Submission Name: Do/Did you ever? dots

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Author:	LostInYerTears
ASL Info:	14/F/Fl
Elite Ratio:	2.42 - 85/86/32
Words:	127

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	202
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	803

Description:
idc really just be honest about what you think about this.

Do/Did you ever? dots

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Have you ever wondered,
Why when you call I start to cry?
Have you ever wondered?
Why I always wish just to die?

Do you even think?
That I love you
Do you ever think?
That you love me too

Why is it
I can’t show you how I feel
Why is it
You don’t think these feelings are real

Have you ever wondered?
If we’ll end up as one
Have you ever wondered?
If this is all done

Do you even think?
We’ll be together
Do you ever think?
We’ll last forever

Why is it
I want you
Why is it
You want me too

Did you ever
Realize you love me
Did you ever
Realize we’ll always be

Submitted on 2006-03-21 23:08:28 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This hurts me for some reason...it's really good,but still...it's from your heart,keep up the good work.
I'm sorry...

-Leo
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by GuardianAngel | [ Reply to This ]
  well you see i really liked it and i like how it could be turned in to lyrics also and well i can relate to it but i feel it lacks some feeling or emotion add a little bit of that and this poem would be ten time what iot is now and i like it insta fav
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by robbie | [ Reply to This ]
  Alright, the best part about this poem is its very workable. You can improve it and turn it into a very good piece. I'll try and help and point out some specific areas I liked/disliked.

First of all, the title is messy. Pick either "do" or "did" for the title because as the first line the reader sees, its confusing.

I do really liek you use of punctuation. With the question marks you really take control of the poem and direct the reader, good punctuation use can be used to avoid a rambling feel and you do well to work in the question marks.

The problem with a poem like this is it had been done a thousand and one times so you need something amazingly original to stand out and your poem doesn't really have that... its like every other love/heartbreak poem I've read. 2000 years ago this poem would have been rockin, but now you need something fresh, something strange object juxtaposed with the relationship, a strange fomart or style to the poem, SOMETHING to make it different.

Next, unlike everyone else I fail to see the emotion in this poem. You feelings are there, but I can see only the surface because your word choice is rather bland. Grab a thesaurus and go to town.

Least favorite line: (1) "Have you ever wondered," Really bland way to start a poem, plus, why doesn't this line have a question mark at the end...(although I would NEVER start a poem with a question).

Favorite line: (28) "realize we'll always be" There is something there waiting to be explore. For me this is the crux of the poem and I'm dissapointed you ended here. Realize we'll always be what? Together? angry? in love? dolphins?
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by RodeoClown | [ Reply to This ]
  You asked me to be honest and that's what I shall be: this piece lacks originality big-time. I'm not saying the emotion wasn't true or anything, because there's no original or not when it comes to feelings, but I think you could have explored a little with the format and imagery in order to have gained more of the reader's interest.

The question marks are well-placed because although grammatically misplaced, they keep the readers attention and form a sort of rhythm for the poem. The first step I'd take is to perfect the flow. If you can get all the other stanzas on the same rhythm as stanza five then you'd have improved the piece amazingly.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  It was ok for me... dont get me wrong I like it,.. and can also relate... keep up the good work.. cant wait to see more :)
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by jules271 | [ Reply to This ]
  I am torn on this piece. As far as the feelings of it, I completely understand! But as far as a literary work I wasn't very impressed. I am not trying to be harsh or anything because I respect the content! Don't get me wrong, its just its too forced and too choppy. But you have definte potential. I hope to see more.
| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by beldolore | [ Reply to This ]
  i thought it was really good i liked it alot kind of depressing but so are most of my poems well like i said i loved it byes
| Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by AudreyPerl | [ Reply to This ]

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