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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shattered Visionsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Poetic
    ASL Info:    21/Female/Texas
    Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 78/39/19
    Words: 178
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 252
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1079



    Description:
       i piece i wrote several years ago. thought i might share with you. not looking to make this poem any better, so dont offer suggestions. not trying to be rude, but i dont feel the same way as i did when i wrote this poem, so, in my opinion, to add to, or take away from this poem, would change it all together, and i dont want that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShattered Visionsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I sit in my room,
    Looking at your pictures alone,
    With a heart that is breaking,
    And a shattering soul.

    Visions of us,
    start to dance through my head,
    The things that we done,
    And the words that you said.

    The way you would hold me,
    And that look in your eyes,
    So much to do,
    so little time.

    And now it's all over,
    I'm here but I'm alone.
    No one to sit beside me,
    No ones hand to hold.

    This loneliness like a cancer,
    Continues to grow,
    Ripping out my heart,
    And consuming my soul.

    Til bit by bit,
    I start to fall,
    Crumbling down,
    Like an unsterdy wall.

    I dont want to breath,
    I can't even move,
    I'm here all alone,
    And I don't know what to do.

    So until the day,
    You come back to me again,
    I'll keep having these visions,
    And hope the pain ends.




    Submitted on 2006-03-22 05:46:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well first of all, I wanted to say thankyou for both of your comments, they were very very much appreciated and I feel quite honoured that you liked them. Thankyou :).
    Of course I have come here to return the favour. As I have read in your desciption, you don't want to change this piece anymore than I do. I like it just as it is, and I find that the fact you don't want to change it, in fear of ruining the emotion embedded in it, to be very inspiratoinal - I'm very happy to see you stay true to your poems. Hats off to you :).
    I'm really happy I got the chance to read some of your work, you're a really talented writer. I liked the way you ended it, 'I'll keep having these visions, and hope the pain ends'. I believe that everyone feels like this at one point; and (just as you had said in my poem) it really does help to connect with the poem when you've been there before. Nice write! :)
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      It was pretty good. You are talkin about somethin that has been done many times and this one wasn't really original. It has some promise if tweeked a lil bit but I can say that I can relate to this feeling. Many of us has been through this and I feel sorry for those who haven't cuz when they do it will kill em.

    Artistically thisone could use some work but otherwise this was good. Good luck on future pieces.
    "Lady Rose"
    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Chi-Town Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      An interesting way to put your feelings, even if the topics been slightly overdone. Though unpolished, I think this has real potential - but I won't bother suggesting. I know it's hard to revise something when it's lost it's meaning to you, right? I've got a few pieces like that myself, lol. Godd work anyway :)
    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]



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