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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dark Watersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soulraven
    ASL Info:    31/Male/Illinois
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 510/481/142
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 538
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 573



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDark Watersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hair sticks
    To her face
    Dripping wet.
    Eyes stare
    Through a frown
    Of stain glass.
    Lips speak,
    Of slick grips,
    Shivers magenta cold.
    Watch gardens
    Go to bloom
    Through reflecting flowers,
    Secceeding flesh shines
    Of polished beauty.
    Every night
    The stars refuse
    To set dreams alight.
    Witness the mircale
    Of Dark Waters
    Coursing through
    Open bays.
    Visited nightly
    By a drowned girl.
    The one,
    I let float away.




    Submitted on 2006-03-22 11:42:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sounds like this person has guilt from allowing a death either real or mental of some girl close to them. They are haunted by her face for they recall even minor details like her lipstick. This was very good. Although, I think for a poem like this, using the few words as least did not benefit your poem. It was like a cliffhanger really. Deatils such as why you let her drown, when she did, and how you let her drown would make this poem so much more potent. Overall, this was very good.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      This is deep
    I take this write as describing a lost love who you sadly feel you drowned by loving her to much
    This is deep and I really like the way you wrote this very simaler to my style
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Hair sticks
    [t]o her face
    (D?)ripping wet. (maybe an extra adjective or something. Also consider the capital letter, maybe a comma instead as you do in the “Of slick grips,” line – If you decide on capitals, then remove the comma in the “Of slick grips,” line.)

    Eyes stare
    [t]hrough a frown
    [o]f stain glass.

    Lips speak[] (I would remove the comma, as it is just a filler in this line, and does not serve a purpose, when you asses it based on the structure from the previous lines.)
    [o]f slick grips, (Again no comma, so to keep in the same track that you started in line two – just starting the third line with a capital letter.)
    Shivers magenta cold.

    ---

    I cannot say I you should make individual stanzas out of the tree first parts I have just commented on, but you should at least make a break after them, as you completely restructure you way of expressing yourself. The way you tie the above part together I like – hair stick/eyes stare/lips speak – nicely done; the mode here is more of a passive nature, have you thought of that. But as you can see, the next line is more of a command, or an invitation, which makes the mode active. Now we have to watch actively to see the garden bloom and the miracle. I think you can do more with the last part, as it seems this is the place where things are really happening. Also I think you should take an extra look at the way you present things here. there is a shift between activity (watch) then a recurring event then activity (witness) then a recurring event. But the fact that you do not tie the activity to the recurring event gives an impression that there is no real progress in the poem, and that the recurring event could be left out (especially when you allude to a blooming garden, and then contradicts by saying “The stars refuse/To set dreams alight.”). I would not leave any piece out, but you should get them better tied together, so that the poem comes across a a complete work instead of a bunch of good and semi-good lines.

    Some typos:
    Seceding (not secceeding)
    miracale (not miracle)

    This comment is not written to bash your work. I wrote it because I actually like it and what it tries to do. Still it needs a bit more work to pull it of.

    Best,
    -tZar

    | Posted on 2006-06-08 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]


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