What if the world's
What we dream it to be?
Dream you're a starfish,
Swim in the sea.
What if our sorrows
Were simply set free,
Cast into the ether,
Never to be?
Clouds and misfortune,
Cruelty and hate,
Just figments of what
We believe is our fate.
What if as one
We greeted the day
Hearts opened wide
Determined to slay,
The bastions we've built
That darken our lives,
Starving the children,
Bedimming the light?
What if we dreamed
Our dreams would come true?
Now close your eyes,
I'm dreaming of you.
| i think this is a great poem, i love it when people decide to write about dreams, its leaves everything so open. i like the rhyme scheme, you loose it for the 5th (or the second half of the fourth) but no worries, thanks for the read.|
|| Posted on 2006-10-27 00:00:00 | by Guermo | [ Reply to This ] || Aaaaah, if only I could image myself to be anything I wanted to be. I think I would be a sparrow, small and well taken care of. heehee|
Now what really stands out in your poem is,
What if our sorrows
Were simply sit free,
Cast into the ether,
Never to be?
To live carefree without worry, what a dream!
Smiles and Laughter,,
|| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ] || this piece I really enjoy., I really liked the ending, the piece was peaceful, and beautiful and I had perma-grin the whole time reading through it. good job ;)|
|| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by jules271 | [ Reply to This ] || this piece I really enjoy., I really liked the ending, the piece was peaceful, and beautiful and I had perma-grin the whole time reading through it. good job ;)|
|| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by jules271 | [ Reply to This ] || This is a lovely poem. It is indeed a happy one and your rhyme is nicely done as well as the overall flow of this poem. I love to use my imagination. The wonderful thing about the imagination is that it is all yours and can do anything or go anywhere whenever you want it to. It is a great reality break which we all certainly need in this life. Dreams are a sort of escape from the world and to have the kind of dreams you speak of in your poem sounds wonderful. And I love how you tie this all in at the end with your last line. A little bit of love there dreaming of that special someone. This is a wonderful message for someone you love. It is like telling them that they are what great dreams are made of. This is lovely. Good job. Take care.|
|| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ] || Loved this write Dan think its a fav,you did a remarkable job with this write,the feeling ran deep and yet rang with true conviction,what if or sorrow were simply set free cast into the ether never to be, I just loved that line great write |
|| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ] || Nice one, Dan, I like "what if" poetry I do it all the time.|
You ask some nice questions here, and you're right, it's obviously from the heart, and rightly so.
Poetically, all the "your" (inc. the title) should be "you're" as a contraction of 'you are."
And your word "bastians" it s/be spelt "bastions' but really, I'd sub it, for one less syllable from a rhythm point of view. A simple thing like "shadows" perhaps" or "ramparts" if you wish to keep the defensive theme.
Very nice, mate, I truly liked this lots.
|| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ] || Wow! simply wow!... I wish I could just end my comment there for that was simply brilliant. I love the rhythm and rhyme you got here. It was very good.|
You made this seem so natural and issue you covered I really liked it. On the whole you did a very good job and you should definitely keep up the good work.
Have a blessed day.
|| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ] || Amen dear Dan! I feel these sentiments and try to echo them - imagine if we just believed - and then we created that reality - "IT's" possible - but we must take our heads out of the sand & put them in the sky (universe) instead. |
I sometimes drive through the country but pretend I'm a fish in the sea & everything takes on a sea-like feeling - he he he......me and my active imagination! I BElive
Great to see a new post!
love,peace,joy&smilez 2 share
|| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] || Oh Dan this was so delightful to read. the title caught me really, for I love starfishes and sand dollars. Your flow was good and the rhyming was very good. I love your message of realizing we can control certain things in life if we let go and believe. This was just wonderful. I loved the ending. It was like a night time story to a child. Very creative. Great work!|
|| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ] || This write I really like|
This is very beautiful and carried deep meaning all the way throughout reading it
I saw and felt your heart with every word of this write
|| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ] || "imagine a girl imagining she was a fruitpie"...hee-hee! Just something a friend said to me once that your poem reminded me of. Very good sentiments in this one Dan. It would make a very nice bedtime read, ya know?|
And the format was nice.
Thanks for sharing.
|| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ] || Its very interesting. I kinda had to step away from the grammer side of my mind and look at the meaning. I actually liked your use of dreams in the sense of visions for a brighter day as well as a dream in the unconscience. I really relate to this at my LeaderShape training, where you spend a day just coming up with visions of the world. |
I agree, we created the darkness around us and we can dismantle it.
It's time for us to look to our visions and create realities of prosperity.
|| Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Lee Minsu | [ Reply to This ] || Very nice! An enjoyable, light, and breezy read that puts a smile on. |
This reminds of a thing I read recently.. Our own reality is how we see the world.. and each one sees it differently. So, yeah, why not dream you're a starfish, and set all your sorrows free? Love the ending. I'm dreaming with you.
|| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ] || I think if all my dreams came true, I would dream I was a better poet. Then I'd have something constructive to say.|
As it is, I'm left with little other than open praise. You noted that it was a bit fragmented, but I don't see it that way at all. Your rhymes are solid, the meter is good. Most importantly, you're feeling comes through strong.
Your last stanza wraps the piece really well. You almost repeat your first lines, then you make it personal and loving.
|| Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ] |