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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pondering America's...& Naivety 112dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 271
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1778



    Description:
       Here are two poems - "Pondering America's Taliban Past" and "Naivety 112". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.

    Both of these poems have, on another board, received comments that new titles may be in order. "Naivety 112" has been posted here previously and received mixed reviews regarding title ("Yonder Came A Revelation" was interesting, though another liked it as is) - I'm leaning toward keeping it as is. Any thoughts on new titles for either poem?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPondering America's...& Naivety 112dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pondering America's Taliban Past

    Even during the repressed fifties,
    Couples would travel to Hawai'i and watch
    Nubile women dance in grass skirts and bikini tops.

    The wives, sexuality long buried,
    In the privacy of their thoughts
    (Last land of the free)
    Would join the dance --
    Tempting their mate while teasing the others.

    The husbands, young again,
    Would recall boyhood fantasies
    Of exotic lands and willing women --
    The tales of our ancestors.

    They would return home
    And make love in whispers lest the children should hear.



    Naivety 112

    Beside a field of stone,
    The son of a farmer's son made wood.
    With body mind and soul of steel,
    His father rarely spoke a word --
    Save for the necessity.

    On a chill September afternoon,
    The father was more talkative than usual.
    He leaned upon his ax,
    Turned to the field of stone,
    And pointed toward the near side.

    "Once when a boy, I was after cattle with Blue."
    Spoke lips that only rarely spoke,
    "Once I saw one. You never forget the eyes."
    And the ax was raised again.

    Now the son eased down his ax and asked,
    "What happened to them?"
    The father, not missing a beat of his work, replied
    "They were all shot.

    And nothing's the same anymore."






    Submitted on 2006-03-22 19:17:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      OK. I like the first one the best, and I agree with nessie as far as the title. At first reading the title, then reading the poem, I was a bit confused, but after reading nessie's comment, it made more sense. And even though it makes sense, I don't think it quite fits, I can't really put my finger on why though. I love these lines:

    "In the privacy of their thoughts
    (Last land of the free)"

    That was really insightful, that our thoughts, our minds, are the "last land of the free". I think in must cases that's true, but in other cases there are those that let others influence their thoughts. The second one was good but it didn't leave that much of an impression on me towards the end. I'm sorry, that doesn't really help, but I just think that the first one had more of an impact. ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~Tayla~
    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      I presume that the title alludes to suppressed sexuality so that women wore a mask of social respectability akin that covered them in a similar way to Muslim women under the Taliban, whereas, in Hawaii the women had a natural innocence. The poem reminds me of Gauguin’s paintings. Maybe, you could adopt one of his titles. What do you think? The second poem reminds me of the disappearance of the buffalo and the loss of innocence and nature. The harshness of the field a pathetic fallacy for human society. Of the two I prefer the first.
    Take care
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      First one: I'll admit that one of the reasons I was unable to comment on this piece earlier was the title. I feel like you're trying to get across some point, specifically, some highly judgemental point, with it, and it just puts a huge cloud over the poem. Title aside, I like the poem, I think. But I can't come up with any good suggestions for a title because I don't know what point you are trying to get across. So I guess if I were you and title-searching, I'd first try to figure out what point you're trying to make (even if it is immediately obvious from the poem itself) and then let the title stick to that?

    Second one: I still don't get it. And, yes, I know you've explained it to me before, but evenso, I feel like I need my hand held and an explanation seeded in my brain perhaps-in-the-form-of-a-title in order to "get" it. Though I do like this title.

    Boy am I helpful today.

    --Jasmine
    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]



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