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Storm and solace

Author: Rastine Aristat
ASL Info:    19/Male/California
Elite Ratio:    8 - 125 /62 /31
Words: 52
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1566
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 401


Ok, I've never tried haiku before, so, here's my first attempt. So, any thoughts, or suggestions are appreciated. Ok, so it's not actually haiku, I got some really good feed back, so that makes it worth it.

Storm and solace

Look up to the sun,
See hope succumb to darkness,
Fade to black despair

Flaming lilac streaks,
Pierce our arrogant facades,
As they split the sky.

Silver tempest’s might;
Roiling storm winds shatter peace
On life’s hellish rocks

Sudden as it came,
Mollified to tranquil white,
Death ushers solace

Submitted on 2006-03-23 00:14:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Thomas, I loved this! You kept the syllable count well, and your imagery was masterful. I write my haikus similar to this and accpet as haikus, if others say other wise, I dimiss it as hogwash! lol. You have a fine set of them all colorful and potent in wording. I loved the way you connected death to a storm...very nice. That showed that death at first seems disruptive and chaotic but at the end of it like all storms there is a sense of peace. Great work!

| Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  Isaac is quite right when it comes to his opinion. Although I'm not sure about the seventeen syllable part, because I've never come across such a rule with Haiku. However, I would call this a Senreyu rather than a Haiku because it deals with humanity and thoughts rather than simply describing nature as in Mother Nature and not as in natural human activities (if you could call death an activity).

That left aside, I like the contrast between people's fear of death (storm) and the peaceful reality that death really is (solace). An interesting perspective.
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  Genre's aside... there are a lot of things that make this poem strong. One being the tone which allowed you to showcase life as this mad artist that tends to lose control... or finds its definition in losing control. It was vindictive enough to get the point across and modulated in a sense that it doesn't drown its readers. ([censored] I'm speaking for everyone again) a sense that it didn't drown me.

It can't be solace if it makes you forget what its like to be troubled. And if death is the ultimate taker... then it is bound to take everything... experiences included. But that is just a part of the prism. But is it really solace... or nothingness?

Who knows?
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the poem. However, it is not in Haiku form. Haiku is one of the most important form of traditional japanese poetry.
The two traditional elements of haiku are: the division of 17 syllables into three groups of 5, 7, and 5 syllables and the inclusion of a seasonal theme. Haiku would be truer to reality if there were no center of interest in it.
The importance of the poet's first impression, just as it was, of subjects taken
from daily life, and of local colour to create freshness. That being said, I still like the write. Perhaps reclassify this under normal poetry. Cheers!
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Isaac | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Isaac this is not a haiku. I have tried the serial haiku form before. It can be quite tricky.
But once thing Isaac forgot, that the haikus are always about nature. Always. And from the nature imagery u get the message.

Let us take ur 3rd stanza for example:
the V. 1 and 2 work well for haiku form.
But life hellish rocks does not. Because you have to find something in nature to point out to life. We are supposed to know you are talking about life.

Nonetheless, your poem is really nice. You have a well woven imagery.

It flows well from beginning to end, the rhythm is short and loud. Fast paced too, which works well with your message.

Somehow it is like u say life is short.
I like how the state of mind moves from despair, to defeat then to rage, then death takes it all.

It is as if you are saying stop spending your lives in negative feelings.
Or maybe even you are asking an existential question, that every man asks himself.
Why are we here and is it worth the fight if we are gonna die in the end?

It might not be a haiku, but it is good poetry. Let us not forget that u commited yourself to a form, which makes it harder.


| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]

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