The Poet and Me by inkonspikuous

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: The Poet and Me dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	inkonspikuous
ASL Info:	21/f/va
Elite Ratio:	5.94 - 76/74/26
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	184
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	753

Description:
Um, the poem pretty much explains itself. true-life experience (fortunately/unfortunately) I have decided which one to go with yet. Tell me what you think.

The Poet and Me dots

-------------------------------------------

I was falling in love with the poet
with his words,
with the words we had written.
Dying to feel them
convincing ourselves they were true
that such bliss was possible.
Held captive by our emotions,
pitting our minds against our hearts
never dreamed that the words
we brought to life in our poetry
couldnt come off the paper.
The stream of words that flowed out of our mouths
with our hearts in mind were held back by inertia.
While love was our inspiration
it was our minds that wrote the words
that we wanted our hearts to feel.
Reality crushed our prose,
erased the words that covered the paper,
and broke my heart.

Submitted on 2006-03-23 08:49:11 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  well personally i like how it progresses from I to He to We...it's showing the progression in the relationship...
i agree that some of of the 'thes' need to be deleted tho

i really liked this, and i think that most on this site will...everyone writes of a love they so desparately wanted, or lost etc...and you've written how most poets would feel about it..
thanks for the read
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
  This is terribly sad but also beautiful. A friendship that is so wonderful, the work you share as you look lovingly at him, the dreams you poured into your poetry together… only to be crushed when realizing that your fantasy was only his imagination. It was in mind, but just couldn’t break past the barrier. How heartbreaking. Though the last line is simple, it is the perfect ending to the words before it, because there is really no other way to say it.

I had to comment because of Line 15, “it was our minds that wrote the words.” UnspokenDreamer wrote a poem called (get this) “I could write you a poem.” It is a favorite of mine, and this line of yours reminds me of his beginning, “Pencils write the words, but hearts write the poem.” But in your case it was just the opposite because, for him, there was no heart involved. I’m so sorry for your disappointment, but look at the wonderful piece of writing that came from it. Though that be little consolation, I leave you with it. Best wishes!

-Cari
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a poem worthy topic but I feel there are a few problems.

I was falling in love with the poet
with his words,
with the words we had written.
Dying to feel them
convincing ourselves they were true

On first read I felt that starting off with "I" and then progressing to "we" and "ourselves" was a little awkward...it gets better with each reading though but might be something to look at. You might need a semicolon at the end of L1 & 4...and maybe look at your punctuation connections throughout the piece.

that such bliss was possible.
Held captive by our emotions,
pitting our minds against our hearts
never dreamed that the words
we brought to life in our poetry
couldnt come off the paper.
The stream of words that flowed out of our mouths
with our hearts in mind were held back by inertia.
While love was our inspiration
it was our minds that wrote the words
that we wanted our hearts to feel.
Reality crushed our prose,
erased the words that covered the paper,
and broke my heart.

For the rest of the poem I'd say that phrases like "never dreamed" "held captive" and the use of "hearts" more than once could be areas to look at...they give the piece a familiarity that kills its momentum imo. I like the idea behind the poem and the pacing of the piece...it just needs some adjustments and original phrases to go along with those ideas.

DB
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  I am not sure why it is not posting everything I type here... but those lonely 'i" 's are IE's and the format seems a little whack. Some gliche in the posting.
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by flipthedisc | [ Reply to This ]
  I think it would be stronger if you omitted some of the "the" 's before nouns.

i "with the words we had written" to "with words we had written" and "erased the words that covered the paper," to "erased words that covered paper."

And maybe rid of a few personal pronouns. I realize it is meant to be about you and another, but this can be obvious from the beginning without as many pronouns.

i "we brought to life in our poetry" to "we brought to life in poetry" If you brought it to life, then it is obviously yours. Right?

And I was a bit confused on the inertia holding things back. Inertia, or momentum, keeps things moving?

With a little work and some compacting, I think this has some promise.

| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by flipthedisc | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with what flipthedisc has said. The poem can use some tightening. Since the poem is already short, you cannot have unnecessary diction... every word needs to punch. Thats one of the paradoxes of poetry I guess... the shorter the work, the tighter it has to be.

I also was confuse by the inertia bit. I realize inertia can be both the continuation of motion or a force against motion, but I'm not sure as to what it is in you poem. What bothers me is the line break in lines 12-13. Everywhere esle, the line breaks are thoughtful and strong but here they befuddle the meaning and imagery of the poem.

I think I get what you are trying to say (speaking you hearts through you mind onto the paper) and I love it, especially since you use such a scientific word in "inertia" which juxtaposes a more emotional fee in "love" and "heart." However this just doesn't come across in those lines.

Just a thought: Maybe the lines could be more scientific (an object in motion/at rest tends to stay in motion/at rest) to counter the rest of the poem (becuase I feel the crux of the poem and emotional hieght is in line 12-13). Something like "The stream of words that flowed out our mouths/ tend to stay in motion, acting the inertia of our hearts." I mean that sucks, but you get the idea.

I think this poem is a really great draft and can be immensly improved. Great write.

Least favorite line: (7) "held captive by our emotions" This line is too cliché, everyone in a tragic love poem seems to be held captive by emotions. Find a more original way to say the same thing.

Favorite Line: (8) "pitting our minds against our hearts" I like the idea of the mind (and reason/reality) against the heart (desire/dreams).
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by RodeoClown | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

96047

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]