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    dots Submission Name: Demon Withindots

    Author: adnil
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 514/286/57
    Words: 127
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1469
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 867

       I'm not sure if I captured the feel I had intended, or if it even feels complete,but I'll get my fellow poets judge that thanks

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDemon Withindots

    Know not from where he came
    This demon that creped within
    Coursing through the veins he calls his domain
    Wrecking havoc upon soul and body
    Drawing from its very energy more each day
    Destroying all its antibodies
    He's a grim reaper to be sure
    For few manage to beat him even for a while
    To once again become temporarily pure
    But oh at what a cost
    Medical bills rise so high
    They simply just exhaust
    More then just a pocketbook
    For there's no real cure
    And one discovers he's just being a schnook
    In thinking he beat him
    Because he only really sleeps
    Pathetically he still waits within
    For alas he'll still win by leaps
    Disease is he's game
    And he doesn't discriminate
    Hepatitis-C is his name

    Submitted on 2006-03-23 14:33:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      As an open tale of suffering, it's great. If this is your story, then I thank you for the courage to share.

    On a critiquing level, I like most of it, as well. I got a little tangled in the male pronouns in the middle. Perhaps the victim could be a "she" to distinguish that a little better.

    For there's no real cure
    And one discovers she's just being a schnook
    In thinking she beat him
    Because he only really sleeps

    Good job,

    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Topical and very apt Linda. Well tackled and well expressed. All disease should be highlighted. Well done for doing it with this one.

    | Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      Never heard of that disease hep-c, I know a and b but c I have no idea. Hmmm... this is informative piece for me.

    On the whole it was an okay write. Thanks for the informative read.

    Keep up the good work and have a blessed day. Your friend Jason
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      It's very hard to criticize such a heartfelt piece such as this Linda. I was waiting for the big C so i was thrown a bit by the ending, C, but hep-C.

    I truly hope this isn't about yourself, although even if it's about someone you know it's still a tragic story. You did a great job personifying the disease into a "demon" it works extremely well

    well done

    be happy

    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      THis was very brave of you. I agree the middle was a bit draggish but it turned at very well. Blessed be, Linda. Courage at just the right moment makes heros and gods of us all but showing courage every day is what makes us strong. ..defines us.
    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      Oooo...this was so haunting and forbidding and showed the struggle within about demons. Until you gave it the name of H-C there at the end. But all demons have a name. I think maybe if you put in your desc. that this was about Hepatitis and didnt mention it in the write it would have been just majestic. But its your write and just my feable thoughts. Not gonna stop me from faving it though...hee-hee! Cuz the underlying tone to it and the way you put that "thing" that makes for a good write into it with your wording makes it great. Despite the misspellings.
    This write holds a lot of depth and power to it Linda. High five and best of wishes.
    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
    You explored a disiese that dosent get much press
    I am positive others will search out the internet and find out more about this terrible disiese
    A great Job Linda
    You truly are one of the most gifted poets on this site
    The biggest reason for that being
    You are not afraid to show your Heart
    That is what I love about your works
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      My heart is still in my thorat Linda. My goodness, this took courage to write and I commend you on that. I think you expressed your fears, hate for this "demon", and acceptance of it's power. This was very good. There was a typo in line #6. I think you meant Grim and agrin. The middle was a little shakey, but you pulled it through towards the end of the poem. I'm very glad you shared this with us. And I want you to know you are one of the strongest women I know and I cherish you. I'm getting tearyeyed...you have written a wonderful poem. Great work Linda!


    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]

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