Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Demon Within


Author: adnil
Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 514 /286 /57
Words: 127
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1657
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 867



Description:


I'm not sure if I captured the feel I had intended, or if it even feels complete,but I'll get my fellow poets judge that thanks
adnil


Demon Within



Know not from where he came
This demon that creped within
Coursing through the veins he calls his domain
Wrecking havoc upon soul and body
Drawing from its very energy more each day
Destroying all its antibodies
He's a grim reaper to be sure
For few manage to beat him even for a while
To once again become temporarily pure
But oh at what a cost
Medical bills rise so high
They simply just exhaust
More then just a pocketbook
For there's no real cure
And one discovers he's just being a schnook
In thinking he beat him
Because he only really sleeps
Pathetically he still waits within
For alas he'll still win by leaps
Disease is he's game
And he doesn't discriminate
Hepatitis-C is his name




Submitted on 2006-03-23 14:33:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  As an open tale of suffering, it's great. If this is your story, then I thank you for the courage to share.

On a critiquing level, I like most of it, as well. I got a little tangled in the male pronouns in the middle. Perhaps the victim could be a "she" to distinguish that a little better.

For there's no real cure
And one discovers she's just being a schnook
In thinking she beat him
Because he only really sleeps


Good job,



Steve
| Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Topical and very apt Linda. Well tackled and well expressed. All disease should be highlighted. Well done for doing it with this one.

Frank.
| Posted on 2006-03-28 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
  Never heard of that disease hep-c, I know a and b but c I have no idea. Hmmm... this is informative piece for me.

On the whole it was an okay write. Thanks for the informative read.

Keep up the good work and have a blessed day. Your friend Jason
DO.
| Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  It's very hard to criticize such a heartfelt piece such as this Linda. I was waiting for the big C so i was thrown a bit by the ending, C, but hep-C.

I truly hope this isn't about yourself, although even if it's about someone you know it's still a tragic story. You did a great job personifying the disease into a "demon" it works extremely well

well done

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  THis was very brave of you. I agree the middle was a bit draggish but it turned at very well. Blessed be, Linda. Courage at just the right moment makes heros and gods of us all but showing courage every day is what makes us strong. ..defines us.
AL
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
  Oooo...this was so haunting and forbidding and showed the struggle within about demons. Until you gave it the name of H-C there at the end. But all demons have a name. I think maybe if you put in your desc. that this was about Hepatitis and didnt mention it in the write it would have been just majestic. But its your write and just my feable thoughts. Not gonna stop me from faving it though...hee-hee! Cuz the underlying tone to it and the way you put that "thing" that makes for a good write into it with your wording makes it great. Despite the misspellings.
This write holds a lot of depth and power to it Linda. High five and best of wishes.
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  Linda
BRAVO BRAVO
You explored a disiese that dosent get much press
I am positive others will search out the internet and find out more about this terrible disiese
A great Job Linda
You truly are one of the most gifted poets on this site
The biggest reason for that being
You are not afraid to show your Heart
That is what I love about your works
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  My heart is still in my thorat Linda. My goodness, this took courage to write and I commend you on that. I think you expressed your fears, hate for this "demon", and acceptance of it's power. This was very good. There was a typo in line #6. I think you meant Grim and agrin. The middle was a little shakey, but you pulled it through towards the end of the poem. I'm very glad you shared this with us. And I want you to know you are one of the strongest women I know and I cherish you. I'm getting tearyeyed...you have written a wonderful poem. Great work Linda!

Catrina

| Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



96098