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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mommy's Little Soldierdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: stefhy
    ASL Info:    21/f/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 165/83/37
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1408
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1018



    Description:
       Alright, well not to get too far into this as it's meaning is clear...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMommy's Little Soldierdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A crescent moon wakes
    To a heart's faded plee.
    Muffled whispers of innocence,
    As she dreams her last dream.

    She's no longer sleeping,
    From the noise that he makes.
    The little girl watches,
    As her mother, he breaks.

    Yelling and screaming.
    He smacks her around.
    Never to stop,
    Until there's blood on the ground.

    "Mom, you didn't do anything!
    It's good who you've been.
    Don't let him call you dirt,
    Don't say sorry to him!"

    The child stood tall,
    And masked her fears.
    But as he walked closer,
    She couldn't hide tears.

    With a bottle in his hand,
    And beer on his breath.
    Night witnesses darkness,
    As he brings to her, death.

    Now the crescent moon sleeps,
    To a mother's silent plee.
    Her daughter was taken.
    A soul was set free.




    Submitted on 2006-03-23 19:37:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      i like the plain, simple verse you have going, it really sounds like a child in some places and reflects that sweetness, that innocence that so stirring. The repeated crescent moon thing was really intriguing and it brought a sense of completeness that was startling, considering the poem ended in death. my main concern was the fifth stanza, which was in the past tense, when the rest of the poem was in present. it really detracted from the piece, that break in flow, but its easily fixed. also the "never to stop" line third stanza seems awkward/ doesn't quite flow, i'm not sure how you should fix that. if i was being really really nitpicky i would also say that the first line in the third stanza shouldn't end with a period, as with the third line in the last stanza as each of the other stanzas were Line, line. but thats reallyreally being anal about this, i really like this piece, you get right into the mindset of that child, the way it must feel, like you have it going on. alright, thanks for writing, peace, e.
    | Posted on 2008-01-02 00:00:00 | by speaksoftly | [ Reply to This ]
      However sad it was I enjoyed reading it. It told a story and I liked that about it. It made me feel happy, in a way because I've never had to go through anything like that. I wouldn't have done anything differently. I only hope that I can be that good someday...I commend you on your work.
    | Posted on 2007-12-30 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the closure in your poem - all too often poets post what I call "Floating poetry" but yours is a story with an intriguing beginning, a well-crafted body, and a satisfying ending.

    I also must say the form is very appropriate - it's like a child's chant, something that should be sweet but ends up bitter. Like this child's life, a childhood should be something to grow from, and here her story ends short.

    I always look for mechanics, and in this one there was only one nagging point that stuck out for me:

    "Night witnesses darkness,
    As he brings to her, death."

    I assume the comma before death is unintentional (and correct me if I am wrong) but either way it does detract from the flow.

    All together a fair read, however, and I applaud your effort.

    Take Care,
    Kris
    | Posted on 2007-03-30 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]
      wow ur a very well-renowned writer, and i can see why. emotionally in place with your intentions. a very beautiful poem to say the least, maybe one day my writing will be just as good. Keep Writing

    -Rain
    | Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by Midnight Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an extremely sad yet well written poem. I wish it weren't so true but the pain it brings forth is so true much to often. I have found another addition to my fav list though.

    Sage
    | Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      Woah! I expected something to do with a child's innocence. Not that it was anythign else, but this was heart breaking. I love the choice of words and the flow. Somewhat brought about the climax harder.

    This was emotionally captivating to the last word. I will not say anythign else on the piece. Maybe when I reread soon enough.

    strong!

    peace and empathy,

    forest
    | Posted on 2006-10-18 00:00:00 | by forestspirit | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem....it makes me think back to when I was a child. I was always afraid of the people that my mom dated, not that they were abusive, they just scared me.
    This brings me to a time in my life when so many things were not right, it just takes me back.
    I love this piece. The innocence of a child that was just trying to be there for the one person that was supposed to be there for them. I love this.

    longwd
    | Posted on 2006-10-02 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. . . when i read the title, I assumed it would be about a soldier gone off to war - which is sad enough. But a little girl fighting for her mother, go against her father, that's brave, and sad. The ending got to me, I was shocked-- don't know what to say. I guess I was more shocked b/c of the last verses:

    "Now the crescent moon sleeps,
    To a mother's silent plee.
    Her daughter was taken.
    A soul was set free."

    That was grand. Now a soul set free to Mommy's little soldier. I don't how else to comment on such a wonderful peom other than to say you did a magnificent job on this one. The structure, the concept, everything was grand.
    Nice job.
    -stacey M.-
    | Posted on 2006-06-01 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      I just didn't think this was what the piece was going to be about for some reason. It's like some beautifullly written, heartbreaking tragedy I stumbled across on accident. I was going to go to one of your other poem's first but this one piqued my interest. Lordy. It was a good write..excellent write. Just....so heart-wrenching.


    BCute
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      It is a very sad poem. I agree with Poetic the saddest thing is that it is a reality. So young, such a chance for life taken away by a brute who did not know to appreciate the gift that was life. And the woman who had no respect for herself who let a monster attack her because she knew no other way. It makes me sick. Tell me was this poem another dream or what inspired it? Because once again I must say that it is really good. I am just turning into a fan. I say that many times I know but its only because when I turn into a fan it just means that the person was really good.
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
      again, i cant believe no one has commented on this. very sad piece...... but whats even more sad, is that there are really children out there who have witnessed their dad (or their moms boyfriend) beating on them, and watching as their mom beggs for forgiveness, when she hasnt even done anything wrong.

    I started dabbling in poetry... when i was about 10 years old. my dad is a poet, and i always looked up to him, there for i always wanted to do the things he did, and i must say, at 16 years old, i didnt have near the talent that you do. you have a gift, run with it :-)

    -Poetic
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by Poetic | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem....it makes me think back to when I was a child. I was always afraid of the people that my mom dated, not that they were abusive, they just scared me.
    This brings me to a time in my life when so many things were not right, it just takes me back.
    I love this piece. The innocence of a child that was just trying to be there for the one person that was supposed to be there for them. I love this.

    longwd
    | Posted on 2006-10-02 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]


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